There is probably no greater American tradition than that of being a jackass. Where else in the world is a jackass truly free to reach their full potential of jackassery? Throughout our country's history men and women have risen to the braying call of infamy, willing to put it all on the line to prove......well......we're really not all that sure. This satirical book is here to tell you about some of the greatest of these All-American jackasses, with a few people who had to deal with everyone being a jackass thrown in for good measure. Read it, enjoy it, and perhaps even be inspired to find out just how much of a jackass you yourself can be.
#36 Daniel Sickles
One Legged Cocksman
Danny, often called Devil Dan, was born to a well to do New York family that had just enough money for Danny to be a crazy as balls jack ass. Danny got himself a good university education and then tried a couple of jobs over the years, including printer and lawyer, before deciding that working was for schmucks. Like many people who don't want to work for a living, he then ran for public office, getting himself elected to the New York legislature. To celebrate he attached himself to Fanny White, one of the highest class prostitutes in New York City at the time. The relationship lasted seven years. Fanny did not consider Danny a customer, but rather her paramour, which for Danny worked out quite well considering it meant he did not have to pay her. Danny returned the favor by openly parading her around town and taking her to all sorts of official government meetings and parties. It being Victorian times, this caused a bit of a scandal, which was further exacerbated when it came to light that Fanny and her brothel money had funded his re-election campaign. Not wanting to get a real job, Danny solved the problem by marrying a 15 year old girl named Teresa Bagioli (he was 33 at the time), a move he defended by stating that Teresa was sophisticated for her age and spoke five languages. In case none of this creeps you out enough he had also known the girl since she was an infant. Fanny, somewhat displeased with the match, publicly beat Danny with a horsewhip.
Shortly thereafter Danny was sent to work at the U.S. embassy in London. Danny, not one to let social norms influence him, left his new child bride in New York, though she was already pregnant, and instead took his prostitute Fanny. He then proceeded to introduce her to Queen Victoria, using his a political opponent’s last name as her alias. Danny's bosses, less than amused, forced him to get rid of Fanny and send for his wife. However, he soon after snubbed Queen Victoria at an Independence Day celebration and was sent home. When Danny returned to New York he got himself elected to the state legislature again. He and his wife then spent the next several years getting drunk at parties during which time Teresa began having an affair with Philip Barton Key, the son of the guy who wrote the Star Spangled Banner. When Danny found out about the affair, he flew into a rage, shooting and killing his rival in broad daylight across the street from the White House. He then calmly walked to the Attorney General's house and surrendered. The trial was a total shit show, with Danny claiming temporary insanity, the first time such a defense was ever used. The newspapers went wild over the story, calling Danny a hero for saving the women of America from Key's dick. While in prison, Danny was given preferential treatment, including receiving numerous visitors and being allowed to pack a pistol. He even got a personal letter from the president. The icing on the cake was when he publicly forgave his wife. Of course he was found innocent.
When the Civil War broke out Danny used his political connections to get himself appointed a general. However, he spent most of the early years of the war hanging out in Washington D.C., drinking beer, and sleeping with prostitutes. Danny got along well with his superior officer, General Joe Hooker, a man who loved boozing and whoring so much that his surname became a term for prostitute. Between the two of them they pretty much ran a brothel/bar in the command tent. Unfortunately for Danny, Joe Hooker got canned for being a drunken whore monger, and was replaced by General George Meade, a man who considered reading the bible a hell of a good time. They of course didn't get along and Danny did his best to ignore all of Meade's orders. In the Battle of Gettysburg, Danny disobeyed orders and moved his troops forward into a vulnerable position. In the ensuing battle the brigade was slaughtered and Danny lost a leg to a cannonball, which led to him being one of the first people to arrive back in Washington D.C. after the battle. In D.C. Danny declared that Meade was a little bitch and that his own actions had led to victory for the Union. He also donated his shattered leg to a museum, which he visited every year on the anniversary of losing it.
After the Civil War, Danny stayed in the army and oversaw Reconstruction in South Carolina, during which time his wife Teresa died of tuberculosis. Danny was then made ambassador to Spain, an appointment he apparently assumed meant sleeping with half of the Spanish royal court, including the queen. When Danny wasn't screwing the better looking half of the Spanish nobility, he kept himself busy by writing inaccurate and emotional letters to his superiors calling for war between the two countries. Luckily these letters were largely ignored. Growing bored with fucking a queen, Danny married her maid, Carmina Creagh, a woman twenty years his junior, and pumped out two kids, all of whom he left in Spain when he returned to the U.S. Back in the states, Danny got himself re-elected to public office and spent the rest of his life trying to convince people that he was a war hero. This included playing an important role in the efforts to preserve the Gettysburg battlefield. Thirty-four years after the Battle of Gettysburg, he was finally awarded the Medal of Honor, the highest medal a soldier can be given, though it was probably just given to him to get him to shut the fuck up. Danny died at the age of 94. You can still see his leg today at the Army Medical Museum in Washington D.C.