The President of the United States of America.  It has to be one of the hardest jobs in the world.  You're under never ending pressure, you get blamed for everything, people hate your guts no matter what you do, and to top it all off, it ages you faster than meth.  What kind of person would want a job like that?  I'll tell you who, a jerk.  The U.S. of A. has had 45 presidents so far in its history, and all have had one thing in common.  They've all been jerks.  This satirical book is not here to tell you about the great things that each of the presidents did.  No, it's here to make you question how these people ever got to be leaders, and more importantly, what the hell is wrong with us for electing them.  Enjoy.

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#29 Warren G. Harding


Possibly Your Real Great Grandfather

I want you to look at Winnie’s picture.  That is the look Winnie gave your great grandmother right before he took her to pound town.  Winnie was born into a middle class family and had an uninteresting childhood.  As an adult he purchased and ran a local newspaper.  Soon after buying his newspaper he married Florence Mabel King.  Florence was a divorcee, Winnie’s sister’s piano teacher, and coincidentally the daughter of Winnie’s rival in the local newspaper biz, because there is no better way to get under your rival’s skin quite like copulating with his daughter.  Florence really didn’t want to marry Winnie, but he hounded her until she finally agreed just so he’d leave her alone.  Winnie enjoyed the married life, mostly it was a great way to meet women.  He slept with all of his wife’s friends, even carrying on one affair for over a decade.  He got away with it because he was considered handsome, charming, and unusually large feet. 

Winnie was quite content with his life of running a newspaper, screwing anything that moved, and writing erotic love letters to his various mistresses in which he nicknamed his penis Jerry, but his wife wanted more.  She pushed Winnie to enter politics, where he slowly worked his way up to Senator.  When the 1920 presidential election came around, his party couldn’t agree on a candidate, so they compromised by choosing Winnie, an interesting choice given that he had probably slept with all of their wives.  Winnie’s campaign largely involved Winnie declaring he would make a terrible president, the bribing his former mistresses so they’d keep their mouths shut, and trying to hide the fact the Winnie had recently had a love child with his good friend’s 23 year old daughter.  Though in defense, the young woman had stalked him for years, so Winnie probably figured she had earned it.  Somehow, none of his shenanigans got into the papers, and Winnie was elected president.  Coincidentally, this was the first election women were allowed to vote.  

Winnie really had no interest in being president.  He spent most his time drinking whiskey (even though this was during the time of prohibition), playing poker with his ass hat friends (all of whom were given cushy government jobs), introducing the women of DC to Jerry, and writing increasingly erotic love letters (the man had a talent).  Winnie himself declared several times that he was unfit to be president, but people just laughed and thought he was joking.  His wife, Florence, understandably became increasingly unhinged and got into astrology and homeopathic medicine.  Unsurprisingly, all of Winnie’s poker buddies turned out to be corrupt as hell.  When Winnie found out, he nearly choked one to death in the White House.  To show how sorry they were, these same poker buddies then went around town, roughing up Winnie’s many mistresses and burning the incriminating erotic letters he had written them.  The most amazing part of all of this, was that the American public had no idea it was going on.  

Florence, deciding it would best if her husband got out of DC for a bit, convinced him to take a tour of Alaska and the western US.  Throughout the trip Winnie got progressively sicker, probably because he wasn’t getting any strange on the regular.  By San Francisco he was obviously having major medical problems.  However, his wife refused to let him see any doctors except for a homeopathic quack who treated Winnie by repeatedly plunging a hypodermic needle into various parts of his body.  Tiring of this bullshit, Winnie had a heart attack and died.