North Carolina - The Tar Heel State


Nobody fucking wants you North Carolina.  I mean for shit’s sake, what in the hell is a tar heel anyways?  Well, apparently back in the day a lot of the poor as shit folk in you made a living by distilling tar from pine tree sap.  The rich folk, being a bunch of bastards as rich folk usually are, took to calling them tar heels.  You know, because they were poor, and probably had tar stuck to the heels of their boots.  Rich people aren’t always the most creative.  Anyways, for whatever reason, being full of poor people apparently became some kind of point of pride with you.  Though to be fair, you don’t have a lot of other stuff going for you either.

Here’s how things pretty much went down North Carolina.  A bunch of English folks arrived and set up the first English colony in North America, a little place called Roanoke.  Then all those colonists just up and disappeared, which pretty much drained any interest people might have had in settling you.  Though people were all about settling everywhere else, you were pretty much left as an empty no man’s land mostly known for being a haven for pirates.  You didn’t even really have towns, just tiny bunches of small-time farmers who were mostly known for their incessant bitching.  Originally you were part of South Carolina, which was just known as Carolina at the time, but eventually they got tired of your shit and cut you loose.  After that you became home to mostly settlers who weren’t welcome anywhere else due to a variety of mostly exceedingly stupid reasons.  This was pretty great for those settlers, but pretty lousy for the local natives who of course got the shit end of the stick. 

When the Revolutionary War rolled around, you were all about it North Carolina, though it was mostly by talking a big game.  Very few people from you actually fought in the war.  After the war you celebrated your new found freedom by importing a bunch of slaves to start a bunch of cotton plantations.  However, you did keep your reluctance to actually do anything.  When the Civil War rolled around, you were the last state to secede and join the Confederacy. 

After the Civil War you apparently decided it was about time to prove to the world that you could get shit done, but of course you went about this in just about the worse ways possible.  You were the sight of some of the most horrendous cases of minority voter suppression in the country, killing literally hundreds of African-Americans just because they wanted to be treated like people.  For fucks sake, you became the home of the only armed coup d’état in U.S. history after a group of armed thugs ran off the duly elected leaders of the city of Wilmington.  Such tactics resulted in racist asshats maintaining control of you for over a century. 

Strangely enough, focusing only on new ways to be racist did little to help your overall economy North Carolina, which is probably why you stayed poor as shit for so long.  About the only things you’ve managed to accomplish of note are the invention of Pepsi and putt-putt golf.  Even with a recent tech boom you’re still what you’ve always been, a place where people live, but not because they really want to.  I’ll say it again.  Nobody fucking wants you North Carolina.