Rhode Island - The Ocean State


Take a crap in a hat Rhode Island.  You call yourself the ocean state, which is kind of funny given that being next to the ocean is the only thing noteworthy about you.  You’re probably expecting all sorts of small jokes in this rant, but we’re not going to do that Rhode Island, because we don’t go after low hanging fruit.  No, that’s too easy.  You know what’s more noteworthy Rhode Island?  The fact that you’re named fucking Rhode Island even though you are most definitely not an island.  To be fair, you do have several islands, but not one of them is still called Rhode Island today because the name Rhode Island is so stupid that not even the people living on actual Rhode Island wanted it.  What’s rhode even mean?  What’s that, it means red.  Well that’s pretty stupid. 

 Hey, remember when we talked about how Massachusetts was pretty much just a shitty theocracy?  Well, some schmuck named Roger Williams thought so too.  Good old Roger was banished from Massachusetts around 1636 for having the opinion that maybe a bunch of self-righteous super religious asshats shouldn’t be in charge of everything.  Having nowhere else to go, Roger led a group of people who agreed with him south into land and founded both the first Baptist church in America as well as a new colony that was supposed to be totally down with religious tolerance and the separation of church and state.  Roger was a big proponent of trying to not be total dicks to the natives, which is why he paid money for the property he took, even though money and individual property ownership weren’t really things the natives understood, which is why they later burned his house down. 

 It’s probably a good thing your people weren’t tied down by religious morals Rhode Island.  It allowed them to make a butt ton of money distilling rum, which was then taken to Africa to buy slaves, who were then taken to the Caribbean to grow sugar, which was then taken to Rhode Island to make rum.  While every state around you was questioning whether or not slavery was a good thing, you just went in whole hog.  Hell, you’re maritime ships kept up the slave trade from Africa long after it became illegal, and you didn’t officially abolish slavery until 1843.  Great job Rhode Island. 

 Given how much of your early history involved slavery Rhode Island, it’s amazing how on top of shit you were when it came to your own freedom.  You were the first state to declare its independence from England, but was then the last one to agree to sign the constitution, only giving in when all of the other states threatened to beat your ass and tax the shit out any trade goods passing through you.  After that you kind of just disappeared from history, pretty much just being a weird cousin that people sometimes talk about but nobody ever goes to visit.  This probably has something to with the fact that for a good chunk of the nineteenth century every time somebody got sick you’d blame it on vampires, which is just plain weird. 

 I don’t even know what to make of you today Rhode Island.  Any more you’re mostly known for being full of a bunch of rich people’s so-called summer homes.  With all these rich people around you’d think you would be a bit fancier, but you’re not.  I mean crap, when you’re 350th birthday came along, you celebrated it by holding a free concert at the airport.  Real classy.  I’ll say it again, take a crap in a hat Rhode Island.