Delaware - The Small Wonder


Fuck you Delaware, you smarmy son of a bitch.  Just look at you, you’re a 30 mile wide strip of land jammed onto the edge of Maryland.  Do you know why that is?  It’s because nobody fricking wanted you.  For god’s sake, you’re named after the bay next to you, which in turn is named after some high falutin ass hat named Thomas West, 3rd Baron of De La Warr, a man who somehow got to be governor of Virginia even though he only set foot there once in his entire life.  You know where he never went, Delaware, the stupid place named after him.  Nobody gives a shit about you, and for good reason. 

Lets just look at your history.  Yep, first the Dutch arrived in 1631, then they got murdered by the natives over an argument about a stupid tin sign.  Great start.  Okay, then the Swedes showed up, then the Dutch conquered them, and then the English conquered the Dutch, a victory they celebrated by selling all of the former Dutch colonists into slavery.  Now I know what you’re thinking.  Look at all the people killing each other for us.  We must have been a pretty primo place.  Nope.  They were just trying to get to better places further inland where people actually wanted to live. 

Things didn’t get much better from there.  For one thing, there were all sorts of distinct native tribes living in the region, but did your colonists try to get to know any of them?  Nope, they just called them all Delawares for god knows what fucking reason and just went with it.  Real classy Delaware.  No wonder they all fled to west of the Appalachian Mountains soon after you started arriving.  Glad you stole all that land just to plop down a bunch of slave run plantations to grow tobacco.  Yeah, that was totally worth it. 

Don’t even get me started about the Revolutionary War.  First you just barely decided to join the revolt against the British, then you just kind of did jack shit after that to really do anything to help.  Then what happened when the Constitution got signed, you went all crazy mad rush to make sure you signed it first so that you could erroneously call yourself the first state.  What the fuck was up with that?  At least when the Civil War rolled around you at least stayed in the Union, though probably only because you were too chickenshit to rebel.  I mean for craps sake, you didn’t free your slaves until you forced to, and then you refused to ratify the amendments banning slavery and guaranteeing equal rights for forty fucking years.  You’re pretty much a lazy South Carolina. 

You know what happened next in Delaware?  Nobody gives a shit, that’s what.  You just kind of sat there like a slightly irregularly shaped mole, kind of gross to look at, but not worrisome enough to get anything done about it.  Today you’re mostly known for your super lax laws governing corporations, which is probably why every shifty company in the world is incorporated in you.  Way to be the nation’s center for tax fraud and money laundering, never mind all the different ways you help those corporate fat cats avoid getting sued by the people they hurt.  At least I guess you got that going for you.  I’ll say it again, fuck you Delaware.  Nobody likes you.