Pennsylvania - The Quaker State


Oh, hey Pennsylvania, what’s that terrible smell?  Oh, it’s you, well no surprise there, being a big pile of shit has been your thing since pretty much the beginning.  Let’s see, clear back in 1681 you got named after William Penn, some crazy Quaker who dreamed of creating some kind of utopia, who go the King of England to sell him an entire state for the low low bargain deal of $2.7 million.  I mean sure, a bunch of natives and some Dutch folk totally already lived in you at the time, but what did old King Chucky care, he probably needed a new ermine cape or some shit like that.  Now to be fair to old Billy Penn, he didn’t want to name you after himself, but old King Chucky forced him to, which is pretty fucking hilarious when you think about what a conceited ass Billy Penn was.   

I guess I do have to give it to you Pennsylvania, you did have a pretty good start.  A place where any immigrant or religion was welcome no matter what.  Too bad that didn’t last long.  I mean sure, you were one of the first states to sign both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, but then you also revolted, twice, against the United States just because the federal government wanted to raise a bit of money by taxing liquor.  Way to go you bunch of fucking drunks.  I guess we should feel lucky that you didn’t joined the Confederates during the Civil War just out of habit.    

Of course, everyone wants to give you all sorts of credit because you abolished slavery clear back in 1780.  I mean sure, it sounds great, at least until you actually hear how you went about it.  Yeah, you didn’t free your slaves, you just declared that their children would be born free.  Bet that wasn’t awkward at all.  What’s your dad do?  Oh, he’s a slave for some asshat in Pennsylvania.  Great.  Yeah, you definitely don’t want to steal “property” from a bunch of rich jackasses or anything.  Better just let this horrific practice moonlight its way out.       

You’re kind of a like most people who started out with such great hopes and aspirations when they were young Pennsylvania, you ended up a bitter stinky drunk when you got older.  Yeah, that’s right.  We all know what people picture when they think of Pennsylvania, a literal hellscape of industrial factories belching smoke into the air and gap toothed yokels dying in coal mines.  You were the bitch for every industrial baron in the country, bending yourself over the table for anyone to have a go.  Now look at you, nothing but abandoned rusting out relics as far as the eye can see.  Was it worth it Pennsylvania?  Was it worth it?  I mean hell, the only reason anybody moved to you was because your shittiness was slightly better than the shittiness elsewhere, which doesn’t really make you all that less shitty.      

What have you got now Pennsylvania?  A bunch of cities with higher than average crime rates and a bunch of pig headed jackasses cheering for the local sports teams as though it’s the only thing keeping them from staring into the depths of oblivion.  Maybe you should throw up another giant stadium on a superfund sight or something.  You can never be too careful when it comes to the thin lines people use to hold on to mental stability.  Maybe it’s time for you to do another fucking revolt or something?  Remind people of how cool you were when you were young.  Ah fuck it.  We all know you don’t have it in you.  I’ll say it again, you smell like shit Pennsylvania.