New Jersey - The Garden State


New Jersey, you are America’s gooch.  Just look at you, your fucking name is New Jersey.  You’re named after a tiny fricking island in the English Channel whose main claim to fame is the fact that a popular type of dairy cow is named after it.  Big fucking whoop.  You’ve been pretty much asshole adjacent for the entirety of your history.  I mean sure, the first Europeans to live in you, the Dutch and the Swedes, did technically buy all of the land they took from the natives, which sounds all fine and fucking dandy until you realize that the natives had zero concept of land ownership.  Great start.  Then the British showed up and took control in 1664, and somehow things just got worse from there. 

Now don’t get me wrong, you were kind of cool when you were younger.  At a time when pretty much every other colony in the area was all about being as intolerant as fucking possible, you guaranteed religious tolerance, but let’s not pretend you did it out of the good of your heart.  No, we know better New Jersey, we know that it was all just a ruse to trick people to move into you so that the rich assbags in England who owned you could make some sweet ass cash.  Nice try New Jersey.  Nice try. 

Of course things went pretty much wrong the moment more people started showing up.  I mean sure, you were all tolerant of other religions, but only as long as the practitioners were white and mostly British.  You know who was neither one of these things.  Oh, I don’t know, the Native Americans who had lived in you for generations.  Yeah, you just said fuck right off to them, didn’t you, sent them off to live on the other side of the Appalachians as best they could.  Despicable New Jersey, and things only somehow got shittier from there.  Oh yeah, did I mention the fact that you didn’t have a functioning government until literally two days before you signed the Declaration of Independence?  Way to have your shit together.  No wonder you were the last northern state to free your slaves, waiting until 1804 to get around to it.  And no wonder you’ve pretty much never had a government that wasn’t corrupt.        

To be fair, you did start out as a bit of an agrarian paradise, but it didn’t take you long to screw that up, did it?  What are you now?  I’ll tell you what, an industrial urban hellscape, that’s what.  I mean shit, the two most famous things involving New Jersey over the past century was the Hindenberg disaster in 1937 and the opening of the New Jersey Turnpike in the 1950’s.  Seriously, the aviation disaster the ended the zeppelin as a means of travel and a toll highway that minimized the amount of time people driving between New York and Philadelphia would have to spend in New Jersey.  Oh, what’s that?  You also legalized gambling in Atlantic City in 1976?  I guess I forgot that a big old influx of mafia money was a good thing. 

Some how you’ve only built on this success by becoming a strange microcosm for a bunch of roided out, tattoo covered dill-holes with bad spray tans.  Why is that New Jersey?  Is it all the industrial pollution? God, our only hope is that you and everything you represents just gets swallowed by the ocean someday.  I’ll say it again New Jersey, you are America’s gooch.