Connecticut - The Land of Steady Habits

Hey Connecticut, nobody gives two shits about you.  In fact, I’m pretty sure if we asked some random jackass on the street to name all fifty states, that you would be the one they forgot, even if they were standing in you at the very moment.  I mean shit, you’re name isn’t even a real word.  It’s a super butchered version of an Algonquian word meaning long tidal river, because that’s who lived in you when the first Europeans showed up and because you have a stupid slow moving river that cuts right through the middle of you.  It’s this kind of creativity that made you the state you are today. 

Where are those Algonquian today Connecticut?  What happened to them?  Oh, that’s right, 75% of them got smallpox the moment Europeans first started showing up, and pretty much the rest died in a war when it turned out that those same Europeans were a bunch of dicks.  And who pray tell were these precious settlers?  Oh yeah, just a bunch of stupid Puritans migrating south from the theocracy that was Massachusetts back then because they were tired of being told the exact way god wanted them wipe their asses.  Of course these same minor sinners then started their own theocracy, because why the fuck not, pretty much running things until the start of the twentieth century.  Great start Connecticut.  Just great. 

You know Connecticut, in your younger days you were pretty much the kid in school who ran around hitting other kids for no damn good reason.  I mean shit, you literally went to war with New York and then Pennsylvania, the latter right in the middle of the fucking Revolutionary War.  What the fuck?  But wait, you’re probably going to say, clear back in 1686 the British wanted to take our state charter, but we saved it by hiding it in a fucking oak tree.  Oh, great, you hid a fucking charter in an oak tree.  News flash Connecticut, the British just plain didn’t give a fuck about you, that’s why they didn’t knock your smarmy ass to the floor, not because you were some kind of secret badass.       

I know what you’re going to say next Connecticut.  Well, we were the first center of industry when the United States became a thing.  Yeah, now look at you, you’re just a glorified suburb of New York City.  I mean seriously, it would be nice to pretend that something else interesting has happened in you, but that would just be a filthy lie.  The only time we even hear about you anymore is when something bad happens in you, which actually happen more than they probably should given your relative size.  I mean shit, the only thing that is even remotely interesting about you is how you somehow are able to exist as a strange amalgamation of people who are up to their assholes in money and folks who are poor as shit with little to nothing in between. 

I don’t know, maybe that’s not true, but if I’m being honest, I really don’t even care.  I’ll say it again Connecticut, nobody gives two shits about you.