Massachusetts - The Baked Bean State

Pull the stick out of your ass Massachusetts.  You’re named after a group of natives called the Massachusett tribe, who in turn took their name from a group of hills they believed to be sacred.  When the Puritans showed up, they decided to name you after the tribe because they were super creative, and because 90 percent of the tribe died within a year of them showing up.  Great start Massachusetts.  Yeah, why don’t we look at those poor Pilgrims that you’re always going on and on about.  Those poor oppressed folks who escaped England to find freedom.  Oh wait, that’s not right.  The Puritans were actually a bunch of religious zealots who spent their time going to churches they didn’t agree with to throw loud hissy fits.  Yeah, totally feel bad for those jackasses.

To really put the cherry on top, despite the British putting up with their horseshit, the Puritans had the balls to claim they were being oppressed, only to sail across the Atlantic in 1620, almost starve to death, and then establish a theocracy twice as oppressive as the worst of their made up claims about the British.  Fuck the Puritans, that’s all I’m saying.  I mean it was literally the law of the land to flog people and thrown them in prison if they had even the slightest inclination of holding slightly different religious views.  For god’s sake, this was the group of people who were responsible for the mass hysteria which became known as the Salem Witch Trials.       

Given such shenanigans, it should come as no surprise that the British government eventually had to step in and take control of the situation.  I mean seriously, people were getting tortured and hanged on the words of children claiming to have seen witchcraft.  What the fuck Massachusetts?  Oh but don’t worry, all of those former religious nuts with their heads up their own asses adapted to the new situation, you know, by becoming a bunch of wealthy merchants who were convinced that their farts didn’t stink.  Of course, it was then these fucking merchants who decided that paying taxes was for chumps, sparking off a full blown revolution that was supposedly about freedom, but only if one was a rich white man who owned land. 

Jesus Massachusetts, what was with you, taxes, and revolutions back then?  I mean shit, only a few years after the Revolutionary War ended you were revolting because of taxes again, only this time against the U.S. government.  Then you threatened to do it again just thirty years later.  What was your fucking problem?  I guess we should just feel lucky that eventually you decided that becoming a center of industry and making money was better than revolting, or we’d probably be putting up with such shit even today.  You know, for being a place of such high falutin idealism, you did more than your fair share of exploiting immigrants when it came to your factories.  So maybe you should just get off your high horse.  I mean seriously, look at you, today you’re mostly known as a place full of rabid baseball fans who you try to claim are somehow both lowbrow street toughs and liberal minded philosophers of the highest degree. Well, you’re not fooling anyone Massachusetts, so I’ll say it again, pull the stick out of your ass.