Maryland - Little America


Toss my salad Maryland.  You began as a fetid swamp where nobody wanted to live, and somehow that was your high point.  You’re named after Queen Henrietta Maria, youngest daughter of the King of France, wife of King Chucky I of England, and a Catholic at a time when you didn’t want to be a Catholic in England.  The English just called her Mary, because they’re dicks like that.  You got named after Queen Mary because a fella in 1632 wanted to start a colony for all of the Catholics in England, so you know, they’d have a place to go where they wouldn’t be murdered for being Catholic.  King Chucky agreed, but only if the colony was named after his wife, which I guess must have been romantic or something back then. 

Anyways, the joke was really on all of the Catholics, because do you know what they found when they arrived Maryland?  A bunch of fucking disease ridden swamps, that’s what.  I don’t know, I guess I have to give it to these early Catholic colonists, they saw the swamps, and just kind of went with it, growing tobacco for export.  I mean sure, the abundance of mosquitoes was literally resulting in significantly shorter lifespans compared to any other colony in North America, but on the plus side, people loved the shit out of smoking, so they got rich as shit.  It’s too bad that all this sweet ass money making eventually attracted the attention of the Puritans in Massachusetts, who just kind of moved right in and took things over.  Great job Maryland, I especially like the part where they made Catholicism illegal for the next 150 years.

You were always a bit of a problem child Maryland.  You once went to war with Pennsylvania, and then after the thirteen colonies won the Revolutionary War, you were the last one to agree to the idea of actually forming a single government rather than everyone going off on their own all willy-nilly.  I mean sure, you did choose to stay in the Union during the Civil War, but you were pretty chock full of slaves at the time, which made it pretty awkward when you were one of the last states to actually get around to freeing them. 

I don’t know, maybe we shouldn’t be too hard on you.  I guess maybe you just didn’t know any better.  I mean shit, pretty much from the very beginning you’ve always been a bunch of posh high society dandies surrounded by poor as shit people forced to carry out your every whim without question.  I know you’re full of rich assholes, but would it hurt much for you to look down every now and again to notice all the poor saps below you, desperately scrambling to climb up a bit?  I mean shit, you’re pretty much always looking down your nose at the other so-called states, even though if we get right down to it, you’re pretty fucking dull.  When it comes to the dysfunctional family that is America, you’re pretty much the snooty cousin, who despite living in a giant fucking house, still somehow has absolutely zero cool toys.  You can take your aristocratic bearing and shove it where the sun don’t shine.  I’ll say it again Maryland, toss my salad.