Georgia - The Peach State


Rot in hell Georgia.  I’d say go to hell, but given your humidity problem, I’d have to say that you’re already there.  Your named after King George II of England, a short tempered boorish little shit known for his excessive weight, love of mistresses, and for dying from overexterions related to a bad case of constipation.  So yeah, I’d say you took after your namesake pretty damn well.   

It’s pretty amazing that you’re even a state given that originally you were pretty much just a no man’s land between England, Spain, and France; which was pretty much just a sad dick waving contest that only succeeded in killing as many of the existing native tribes as possible.  I mean shit, you were the last of the thirteen colonies to be created, only appearing on the scene a little over forty years before the Declaration of Independence.  I guess you could say England finally won then, but I think it was more like everyone else went home and England just kind of go stuck with you.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think you started out with some great ideas.  Originally you were supposed to be this magical utopia where slavery was illegal and very poor people had a chance to build themselves a new life.  Too bad that idea was abandoned pretty fucking quick in favor of just stuffing yourself full of slaves and rich ass plantation owners.    

To give credit where credit is due, you did go pretty freedom crazy during the Revolutionary War, but then you found gold on Cherokee land and forced them to all move to Oklahoma, so you know, not exactly the kind of uplifting story you tell the kids.  You just kind of kept rolling with the douchebaggery after that.  In 1861, you were one of the first states to join the Confederacy to defend slavery, and even after the Union Army pretty much burned you to the ground you still refused to ratify the amendments abolishing slavery and granting equal rights until 1870.  You were literally the last Confederate state to agree to the idea that people are people.  Even when you finally did sign on it was all a bunch of bullshit, which is pretty obvious given how you treated African-Americans for most of the next hundred years.   

You’d think things wouldn’t have been able to get any worse, but as always, you have ways of surprising us Georgia.  Let’s see, you were the place where the Ku Klux Klan was founded, you didn’t establish public education until the start of the 20th century, and you outlawed alcohol which led to the invention of Coca-Cola, that sugar syrup that helped make everyone in America, and in you especially, morbidly obese.  Great track record Georiga.  You ought to be super proud. 

You know, I might be more forgiving Georgia if you just admitted that you fucked up.  But  you can’t do that, can you Georgia.  No, instead of talking about all the bad shit, you just keep going on and on about how many stupid peaches grow in Georgia.  I mean shit, literally every other damn street within your borders is named after the damn things.  I guess if nothing else, at least somehow between all the good old boy politics and lynchings, somehow you found it in you to kind of start doing the bear minimum when it comes to not treating people like shit.  But you still got a ways to go.  But then again, fuck it.  I’ll say it again Georgia, rot in hell.