New Hampshire - The Granite State


You’re fucking weird New Hampshire, you’re a weird freak state that doesn’t make one damn bit of sense.  For gods sake, you have a fucking ship on your state seal and only 18 miles of coastline.  How in the hell does that work?  Now admittedly, as far as states go, you have a pretty early history, what with the first European settlers arriving in 1623, just three years after the Pilgrims arrived just a little bit to the south.  But your people weren’t Puritans, oh no, they were just a bunch of fucking cod fisherman.  That’s right, no hoping for some magical better utopia for you New Hampshire, nope, just boring old cod fisherman fishing for some cod.  Real exciting stuff.  I mean shit, they named you after Hampshire, a county in England pretty much only known for fisherman and being boring as shit. 

I don’t know, maybe it was this less than stellar start, but from that point on you pretty much felt like you had something to prove.  Pretty much every chance you got you managed to get involved in some dust up, most of which were really none of your business.  When you weren’t sure where your border was with Canada, even though none of your people lived even close to it, you went to war over it, slaughtering a bunch of Native Americans for no good reason in the process.  You were one of the first states to declare yourself free from England, but then because nobody gave a shit, sent a bunch of troops to fight anywhere they could.  The same thing happened during the Civil War, with your troops gaining the reputation as being some of the craziest mother fuckers in the country. 

I don’t want to judge New Hampshire, but I think there might be something seriously wrong with you.  I mean shit, when there were no wars to fight you pretty much spent all your time creating drama for no reason whatsoever.  A part of you was literally its own country, the creatively named Republic of Indian Stream, for three fucking years.  When one of the first interracial schools in the country was built in you, your people drug the fucking building away with oxen and burned it down.  What the hell was up with the oxen bit?  Couldn’t you have just burned it to the ground where it was?  None of this makes any damn sense.    

Of course, as they say, all things come to an end New Hampshire, which is certainly true of your insanity.  After the Civil War you pretty much did jack shit, slowly collapsing into the glorified suburb of Boston that you are today.  I mean shit, you had to make your presidential primary the first in the country just so you could pretend that you were somehow kind of important.  Guess what, you’re not.  Do you know what the most exciting thing to happen in you New Hampshire has been in the last few decades?  A rock that kind of looked like an old man’s face collapsed.  I mean shit, all of your people pretty much acted like their favorite grandmother had died.  It was a fucking rock New Hampshire, real shit is happening all over the world and your losing your shit over a stupid rock.  I’ll say it again New Hampshire, you’re fucking weird.