Virginia - Mother of Presidents


Why don’t you fellatiate yourself Virginia.  You call yourself the Mother of Presidents, and sure I get it, you’ve had more presidents born in you than any other state.  But the last fucking one was clear back in 1849, and he died in office from eating too many cherries, so maybe it’s about time you start bragging about something else.  For god sakes, you’re named after a woman famous for giving half the nobles of Europe blue balls, amongst other things, old Queen Lizzie I.  Thank god she was a prude, otherwise you might have ended up named Titsylvania or something just as stupid.  You might be named after a virgin, but we all know it’s been a long time since you’ve been able to make the same claim, you dirty ass prostitute of a state. 

 Let’s see, where to start?  Oh yeah, the first people to settle you were a bunch of rich asshats, who having grown up hearing stories about Spanish conquistadors, came to the conclusion that they could just roll into you and force the local Native Americans to hand over the gold they were surely hiding.  New flash, the natives didn’t have any gold, which is probably why nobody gave a shit about Virginia in the first place.  Is it any wonder with shit heads like this in charge that things quickly devolved into cannibalism and warfare with the locals, who were most definitely less than thrilled with the quality of their new neighbors? 

 That might have been all she wrote for you Virginia, but no, you somehow found a way to convince people that you were a classy lady worth courting.  When your settlers got done killing natives for no reason, they discovered fields of tobacco, one of the most addictive substances known to humankind.  Recognizing a way to get stinking rich, your settlers started growing literal shit tons of the stuff to send back to Europe.  Of course, tobacco farming is a lot of work, and not wanting to do a bit of that, those same settlers started importing slaves from Africa, beginning a cycle of fucktitude that we’re still dealing with today. 

 Well, I think you pretty much know how your story goes from their Virginia.  Most of your Native Americans died of disease, and the few survivors were killed off in various stupid wars, giving you plenty of suddenly empty land on which to grow tobacco.  Your settlers grew rich as balls and like all rich people they began to resent the fact that they had to pay taxes, preferring to use the money instead to win elections by buying all the voters a shit ton of booze.  Boom, Revolutionary War.  Next those same smarmy rich asshats got a big stick up their ass when people started pointing out that maybe getting rich off of treating a whole group of people like property wasn’t all that enlightened of an idea.  Boom, Civil War.         

 Things didn’t really get better from there.  After the Civil War you basically became America’s widowed aunt; working some low-level government job, always talking about when you were young and hip, and going off on racist rants after you drink too much at Thanksgiving.  About all you’ve really done in the past century is invent cigarettes, because you’re still focused on the first thing you were ever good at, and become home to a good chunk of our country’s pornography thanks to being home to a literal shit ton of internet servers.  I’ll say it again Virginia, why don’t you fellatiate yourself.