New York - The Empire State


Toss my salad New York.  You think you’re all that and a bag of potato chips, but outside of New York City no one gives a shit about you, and the best we can say about said city is that it’s gritty, which is the equivalent of someone telling you your blind date has a great personality.  You’re named after the Duke of York, who later became King Jimmy II of England because his brother liked to stick his dick into anything but his wife.  As for old Jimmy II, he was so crappy at being king that they threw his ass to the curb.  So you know, totally the kind of person who deserves to have shit named after them. 

You’re nickname is the Empire State, which probably comes from you’re long history of being a ridiculous bloated bastard with your head up your own ass.  You’re first settlers were the Dutch who were mostly interested in trading with the natives for furs.  Now this probably all sounds pretty legit, until one realizes that the Dutch were willing to hand over a crazy amount of goods for furs, including a ridiculous amount of guns.  As a result, the natives pretty much killed every single animal bigger than a squirrel in the whole region and then started warring amongst themselves for the next century.  Then the English took over, and having more of an eye for colonization, basically forced all of the natives to move to Ohio or Canada.  Awesome start New York. 

Hey New York, do you even want me to bring up the Revolutionary War?  You know, the whole part about how you were so chock full of British loyalists that you were the only state not to vote for independence, yet somehow a couple of jack offs were still allowed to sign the Declaration of Independence on your behalf?  No.  Well okay then.  How about how you used the end of the war as an excuse to cheat the natives out of every last bit of their land?  Or how the foundations of your largest city was built by slaves?  Or how the only reason you’re rich is because the man who designed the country’s financial system, Alexander Hamilton, was from you and made damn sure you reaped a good chunk of the benefits? 

I guess if we can’t talk about any of that, we might as well go into the fact of how for the first half of the early nineteenth century you were chock full of weird sex cults where women were expected to do all the work while the men sat around and wrote poetry.  I guess on the plus side at least most of these sex cults were pro-abolitionist, though not enough to bother getting around to freeing the last slave in you until 1827, which is probably why you got such a hard on for the Civil War, but of course you somehow had to make even this terrible.  I mean sure, you did send more troops to the Union Army than any other state, but the vast majority of them were poor immigrants.  While they died by the tens of thousands, your rich asshats got to sit comfortably at home, complementing each others farts and whatever the hell else it is rich people do.

That’s pretty much your whole deal even today New York.  One part of  you is nothing but a bunch of douchebags making money by passing pieces of paper back and forth between themselves, somehow ignoring the poor as shit people that walk by them every day, and the other part is a bunch of turds demanding subsidies for their water wheel run candle factories so that they can have more time to experiment with swinging and other such suburban pursuits.  I’ll say it again.  Toss my salad New York.