South Carolina - The Palmetto State


Lick my balls South Carolina.  You have been pretty much a pain in the ass since the beginning.  Now you’d probably think that you were named after some woman named Carolina, or at least Caroline, but you’re not South Carolina, you’re not.  No, as it turns out you’re named after King Chucky I of England, or at least the word Carolus, which is the Latin version of his name.  If all of this sounds a little confusing, just imagine how much dumber you would somehow be if you were a state called South Charles.

Anyways, naming shenanigans aside, we should admit that in the beginning you were supposed to be some kind of liberal utopia, or at least that was the idea a bunch of English lords had back when you were founded in 1670 while sipping tea and doing whatever the fuck it was that English lords did back then.  Of course this all went to squat pretty much immediately, what with your first settlers being a bunch of slave owning asshats from Barbados.  For a good chunk of your history you literally had more slaves than free people South Carolina.  Seriously, what the fuck?  Of course, to be fair, not everyone owned slaves in South Carolina.  There were some poor people after all.  However, they spent most of their time chasing the disease ravaged Native American tribes off their ancestral homelands, just so they could scrape enough money together to buy some slaves, so yeah, pretty much everyone was a dick. 

Like any dick, you had a propensity for grabbing your ball and going home any time you got pissy with someone else.  You split from North Carolina in 1729 to make your own colony, during the American Revolution a third of all battles occurred in you because your people were looking for any excuse to kill each other, you almost went to war with the federal government in 1832, and you were the first state to secede from the Union during the Civil War.  I’m just saying, you’ve got a pretty long history of being a dramatic jackass, that’s all. 

Now of course you were once one of the richest states in the country, again, because of all the slaves you forced to work for free.  I mean shit South Carolina, you were just all about slavery, I mean hell, people had to own slaves just to be eligible for state office.  Though theoretically you were a democracy, everything was run by a handful of wealthy asshats.  Things got a little better for awhile after the Civil War, but even without slavery you still managed to somehow to be just the worst, creating laws that disenfranchised the majority of your population, at least until most of them left, you know, because of how dickish you were being, something that remained the norm into the fucking 1960’s. 

I don’t know what more I can say South Carolina.  At the very least, when Civil Rights came around you didn’t really fight it, instead both sides deciding it would be best just to kind of ease into it.  Though this is probably only because your fucking heat and humidity make getting excited about anything a physical impossibility.  Anyways, today you’re mostly known for high rates of poverty, obesity, and having ridiculously high rates of violence against women.  I’ll say it again South Carolina, lick my balls.