#39 Jimmy E. Carter (1977-1981) The Curse Of The Killer Rabbit

Peanut was the first president to be born in an actual hospital.  He was then taken from that modern hospital to a house with no electricity and no running water in the Deep South.  By all accounts, Peanut was a little shit growing up, stealing from the church collection plate and shooting his sisters in the ass with a BB gun.  His father, a peanut farmer, despite the fact that he was an inbred redneck, did his best to increase the family’s wealth through a series of schemes.  Peanut’s father was moderately successful, and to show off, the family installed a dirt tennis court.  Peanut was the first member of his family to graduate high school, and deciding it wasn’t good enough, joined the Navy, studied nuclear physics, and eventually worked on nuclear submarines.  Early in his Naval career he married his sister’s friend Rosalyn Smith, and then drug her around the country from post to post.   

Peanut eventually decided that the illustrious career of a Navy officer wasn’t for him and resigned so he could return to his father’s peanut farm, which was pretty much broke.  Peanut had no money, to the point his family even had to live in subsidized housing for a time.  As a result, Peanut did not find peanut farming as much fun as he thought it would be, though he did once think he saw an UFO, so he decided to go into politics.  While initially not very successful, Peanut started winning after he began to pretend that he was a terrible racist.  This success through lying made Peanut decide that he was qualified to be president.  In 1976, he ran for president, and despite being a long shot candidate, managed to win thanks to the fact that no one had any idea who he was, so therefore, he must be better than the current crop of lying assholes.  It probably didn’t hurt that he gave a shocking interview in Playboy magazine where he admitted to the fact that he sometimes thought about naked women who were not his wife. 

Peanut entered the White House, taking the oath of office under a giant peanut balloon.  He then fretted so much about what he was supposed to do that he ended up doing nothing.  About all he accomplished was changing which side of his head he parted his hair on and learning how to speed read.  Peanut was a bit of a micromanaging prick.  It was so bad that he even personally maintained the schedule for the White House tennis court and bowling alley.  Wanting to look like a man of the people, he often had himself photographed carrying his own luggage.  The suitcases were actually empty.  He also ordered his Secret Service agents to never talk to him or even look at him.  Which is probably why they did little to help him when he was attacked by a killer rabbit while out boating, forcing him to fend off the angry critter on his own with a boat paddle.  Peanut was not re-elected in 1980, probably because when the economy went to hell he gave a speech that basically said everyone was fucked. 

Following his presidency, Peanut went back to his peanut farm, but discovered that he was still pretty terrible at it.  To make ends meet, he wrote and sold his memoirs, and when they did well, started writing down whatever shit came into his head.  This of course then led to Peanut founding several humanitarian organizations which helped people forget what a shitty president he had been.  Peanut is still alive today, though he once almost died of brain cancer.  Peanut mostly spends his time bad mouthing every single one of his successors, meeting with foreign dictators (whether they want him to or not), and generally pretending that his opinions still matter.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:President_Jimmy_Carter_and_Rosalynn_Carter_-_NARA_-_173433.tif

#38 Gerald R. Ford (1974-1977) It Was A Good Thing He Was Handsome

Jerry was a bit of a nitwit and probably the closest we’ve ever come to having John Madden be president.  When Jerry was born, he was actually named Leslie, after his father, but a few days later his crazy ass abusive father threatened to kill baby Jerry with a knife, so his mother wisely chose to file for divorce.  She later remarried and renamed baby Leslie after his new step-daddy.  Jerry was the most American of all the American presidents.  He was a literal boy scout, an all-star on his university’s football team, and he even did a bit of modeling on the side.  When he wasn’t busy being athletic and beautiful, he kept busy working summers as a park ranger, feeding the bears.  The NFL wanted Jerry to play professional football, but instead he decided it would be best if he went to law school, where he figured he was less likely to fall down and hurt himself.    

When World War II broke out, Jerry joined the Navy and insisted they put him into combat in the South Pacific.  After a couple of close calls, the Navy shipped him back home to coach football.  After the war, Jerry decided to run for Congress.  He was seen as a likable simpleton, something that had nothing to do with the fact that he had played football without a helmet, a man the voters felt was just like them.  Jerry campaigned by showing up at various houses and helping farmers milk their cows.  During his first election he married a model and dancer named Betty Bloomer.  Since she was a divorcee, Jerry didn’t marry her until right before election day.  Their honeymoon was spent at political rallies.  Jerry won that first election, and spent the next twenty-five years in Congress, a time during which he never introduced a single bill.

Jerry was the only president who was never elected either president or VP.  In 1973, VP Spiro Agnew resigned after it was found out that he never paid his taxes.  Jerry was chosen to replace him because he was so damn likable.  The next year, President Plum resigned, and Jerry was given the top job.  Jerry spent most of his time as president doing the same as when he was in Congress, which is to say, nothing.  Jerry swam every day, kept close track of college football, and forced the White House marching band to play his alma mater’s fight song instead of Hail to the Chief.  He mostly stood around smiling like an idiot.  The one bright spot of Jerry’s presidency was that everyone loved his wife Betty because she was so cheerful, outgoing, and outspoken, though this was probably likely due to her being an alcoholic pill popper.

In 1976, Jerry tried to run for president, but failed to be re-elected because he was so damn boring, oh, also probably because he pardoned Plum.  Jerry stayed involved in politics, but spent most of his time golfing with Bob Hope, forcing his wife into treatment for her various addictions, and writing his memoirs (which apparently is a requirement for former presidents).  Unlike previous presidents, Jerry didn’t have the decency to die soon after leaving the White House, and continued on for another thirty years, giving old fuddy-duddy advice to anyone who would bother to listen.  He then finally died of a stroke. 

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ford_B1065_NLGRF_photo_contact_sheet_(1976-08-17)(Gerald_Ford_Library)_(cropped).jpg

#37 Richard M. Nixon (1969-1974) The Loneliest Boy In The World

Who wants a president who protects the environment, promotes worker safety, and supports affirmative action?  Who wants a president who believes in universal healthcare and a guaranteed minimum wage?  If you do, then you want Plum.  Plum, also called Tricky Dicky and Gloomy Gus, was an awkward, paranoid man who had a face like a Halloween mask.  Born to a Quaker family, Plum was never allowed to do anything fun as a child, unless you consider going to church four times every Sunday fun.  While his family was long on religious sentiment, they were short on cash, forcing Plum to make his own way through college, working as a carnie and living in a shack. 

Plum fell in love with a woman named Patricia Ryan.  He spent long hours writing her gaggingly mushy lover letters.  While Patricia did not reciprocate, she did generously let Plum drive her to and from dates in other cities with other men.  After two years of this, she caved and finally married him.  After college, Plum failed at pretty much every business he tried his hand at, including a venture involving frozen orange juice.  Luckily, World War II broke out and Plum got sent by the Navy to the South Pacific, where instead of fighting, he opened a bar and proceeded to steal money from drunken sailors by cheating at cards.  By the end of the war, he had raised $100,000 (in today’s money) which he used to jump start his political career.  An early high of becoming Duckpin’s VP, solely because he was definitely not a communist, was dashed by a loss in the 1960 presidential election versus the much more handsome Sexotron.    

Despite being the type of man who wore business suits to the beach, Plum somehow convinced America that he wasn’t a poorly carved ventriloquist dummy and got elected president in 1968 and again in 1972 (by the widest margin ever).  It was a great American story of a self-made man, which Plum ruined by going completely insane.  Everything and everybody somehow became involved in a conspiracy to ruin him.  Coffee cold that morning?  Conspiracy.  Failure to pick up a spare (Plum was nuts about bowling)?  Conspiracy.  Seam of his pants rubbing his undercarriage a little too close?  Conspiracy.  To combat his many enemies, both imaginary and real, Plum took to recording all of his conversations and forming a special team of goons to dig up dirt on anyone seen as being against him.  Somehow this all blew up in Plum’s face, and after a series of scandals, most involving recordings of Plum’s crazy ramblings, he became the first president to ever resign. 

Following his resignation, Plum spent most of his time watching musicals and sitting at his desk and doing nothing.  Growing bored of this, he worked to make people love him again, writing his memoirs, hitting the talk show circuit, pretending not to be an anti-Semite, and trying his best to act the elder statesman.  Somehow, despite being the most despised man in America, and not even allowing his best friend to call him by his first name, it worked, and accolades began to roll in again.  However, it was about this time that Plum’s wife died, and heartbroken, he soon followed her with a stroke.  Eventually, the world forgot everything about him except for the fact that he was a crazy son of a bitch.  

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Richard_Nixon_09_Jul_1972.png