#42 William J. Clinton (1993-2001) Pretty Much A Used Car Salesman

Bubba’s dad was a travelling salesman named William Blythe who spent most of his time seducing women.  Bubba’s mama was Blythe’s fourth wife.  The previous three marriages, two of whom were sisters, ended because of his roving eye.  Three months before Bubba was born, Blythe died in a car accident.  His mother reacted to this tragedy by leaving her newborn son with her parents and going to nursing school.  Bubba’s grandparents were strong disciplinarians who forced him to learn how read by age three.  After nursing school, Bubba’s mama returned and re-married.  This time to an alcoholic abusive used car salesman named Roger Clinton.  For some reason Bubba decided he should look up to the man and legally changed his last name to Clinton.  It wasn’t long before he bought an El Camino and put AstroTurf in the back.  

Bubba was an excellent saxophone player and planned on being a professional until he met President Sexotron, who showed him you could get laid just a much being in politics.  Bubba went to law school, dodged the draft by going to England, smoked marijuana but did not inhale, and got married to Hillary Rodham after being turned down by her a couple of times.  Once out of college, Bubba went into politics, something he turned out to be rather good at despite his propensity for involving himself in real estate scams and groping any woman who dared to let herself get within reach.  Bubba was white, good looking, and charming, meaning he could pretty much get away with anything.  This charisma led him to getting elected president in 1992 and re-elected in 1996. 

Bubba might have been president, but he was also still a redneck.  He and his wife often had loud fights, full of cursing and throwing things.  Both were described as paranoid.  Bubba loved going jogging to improve his health, though this was probably a moot point given that his jogs always ended at McDonalds.  For Bubba, a healthy meal was a tall glass of Kool-Aid and a whole apple; core, seeds, stems, and everything.  During his presidency, Bubba continued having affairs, the most famous of which was with a chubby twenty-two year old intern named Monica Lewinsky.  When Hillary found out about the affair she hit Bubba with a lamp.  When the U.S. government found out, Bubba lied about it, and then tried to distract the nation by ordering the military to bomb Africa.  This led to Bubba getting impeached for perjury and America learning all sorts of interesting facts about stained blue dresses and where Bubba liked to put his cigars.  Despite it all, Bubba prevailed, avoiding impeachment, setting a legal standard that fellatio is not sex, and redefining the word ‘is’.   

When Bubba and Hillary left the White House, they stole pretty much anything they could get their hands on and trashed everything else.  Not being fans of Bubba’s successor, they also left obscene messages on all the phones and stole all the W’s from the computer’s keyboards.  Bubba has spent his retirement writing his memoirs, golfing, working the public speaking circuit, and supporting Hillary with her own political ambitions, which pretty much began the moment his ended.  Bubba is still alive today, probably getting into all sorts of shenanigans. 

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Bill_Clinton_1999.jpg

#41 George H.W. Bush (1989-1993) Poppy Knows Best

Poppy, so called because even as a child he acted like everybody’s dad, was born to a wealthy Wall Street family.  Poppy was raised in the most preppy way possible.  We’re talking about the kind of preppy that involves tennis in the afternoon with a guy named Thadwyk whilst wearing an argyle sweater tied around your shoulders.  When World War II broke out, Poppy joined up, but not with the Army, that was for poor folks, but with the Navy Air Wing.  While a pilot, he named his planes after his high school sweetheart, Barbara Pierce.  By the end of the war there had been three Barbara’s.  After leaving the Navy, Poppy returned home and married the real Barbara, a woman who even at a young age looked old enough to be his mother.  Poppy went to university, mostly to play baseball, and then threw out all that book learning, and his family’s money, to become a self-made oil tycoon.  Poppy went from living in a duplex where his family had to share a bathroom with two hookers to a millionaire by age 40.    

Like many self-made men, Poppy decided that making a bunch of money gave him the right to tell others how to live their lives.  Poppy got into politics and quickly learned that he wasn’t very good at it.  He won some and lost some, but never really seemed to get very far ahead.  Poppy’s luck changed in 1974 when he told President Plum he should resign, which Plum did three days later.  Poppy was then sent to China to keep him from making such suggestions to other powerful politicians.  This didn’t faze Poppy, who took up bike riding.  Poppy then enjoyed a series of other political appointments, including UN ambassador and head of the CIA, which culminated in him becoming President Ronnie’s Vice President.  In 1988, Poppy was elected president, mostly because his opponent was a ridiculously tiny man.

Poppy’s first proclamation upon becoming president was to ban broccoli from the White House.  Poppy’s mother had made him eat broccoli as a child, even though he hated it.  Instead of broccoli, Poppy ate pork rinds.  Poppy then bought a dog to be his new best friend and gave the dog its own room.  Poppy preferred being a low key president, avoiding announcing any long-term goals for the country.  Instead, he golfed at rapid speeds, went hunting, gave out awards to people who fell asleep in meetings, hosted horseshoe tournaments, and tried to train his beloved dog to use an automatic dog biscuit dispenser.  Poppy’s foreign policy mostly involved going to war with random tin pot dictators and throwing up on the prime minister of Japan, probably because the prime minister tried to force him to eat broccoli. 

In 1992, Poppy failed in his bid to be re-elected because even though Americans love quick and dirty wars, they hate recessions.  The fact that Poppy was confused by a grocery checkout scanner probably didn’t help.  Poppy and Barbara moved in with some friends, who were not prostitutes, until they could get their own house built.  In retirement, Poppy, a stuffy man, allowed himself one piece of fun in that he started wearing crazy dress socks.  He also took up skydiving and continued hunting.  As he got older, he became confined mostly to a wheelchair, so he started shooting things from the pickup like some kind of redneck.  Poppy spent his elder years jumping out of airplanes, having aircraft carriers named after him, and grabbing random women’s asses.  Old as balls, he eventually died of Parkinson’s Disease.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:George_H._W._Bush,_President_of_the_United_States,_1989_official_portrait_(cropped).jpg

#40 Ronald W. Reagan (1981-1989) America’s Forgetful Grandpappy

Ronnie was basically America’s granddad.  Born to a lower middle class family, his father, who worked as a salesman, didn’t even bother taking his wife to the hospital for the birth of his son, instead opting to let the baby be born right there in their second floor apartment.  Ronnie’s father gave him the nickname Dutch, because he thought Ronnie looked like he was Dutch.  Ronnie was not of Dutch descent.  It was a different time.  Ronnie studied economics at university, but was a pretty piss poor student.  The only smart thing he did in college was work as a dishwasher at a sorority.  After college, Ronnie really didn’t feel like getting a job, so instead he became an actor in crummy movies.  It was during this time that he met and married fellow actor Jane Wyman.  When World War II broke out he was drafted, but due to having poor eyesight, he was kept stateside where he acted in crummy training films.    

After the war, Ronnie went back to making B-list movies in Hollywood, but eventually gave it up to head up the actor’s union.  He mostly used his position to rat out fellow actors with communist sympathies.  This kept Ronnie so busy that his wife divorced him because he didn’t have enough time to carry out his marital duties.  Luckily, Ronnie had just met an actress named Nancy Davis, who had been confused with another communist supporting actress with the same name, so he didn’t remain unmarried for long.  The two were deeply in love, and Ronnie often called her by the pet name Mommy, which is pretty weird.  Soon after getting together the pair saw a UFO.  Fearing an alien invasion, Ronnie decided to get into politics.  This decision culminated in him running for president three times, finally beating President Peanut in 1980, not because anyone really liked him, but because nobody liked President Peanut.    

Ronnie was the oldest man ever elected president, and he acted pretty much the way you’d expect an old man would act.  He spent most of his time as president complaining about taxes, being scared of communists, feeding the squirrels, sending personal checks to anyone who would write to him about their money problems, worrying that all the kids were on drugs, relaxing in sweat pants, making grandfatherly jokes, and making sure there were always plenty of jelly beans in the White House.  Soon after being elected, a crazy man shot Ronnie to impress the actress Jodie Foster.  Ronnie survived, which left Jodie Foster less than impressed.  Ronnie was re-elected in 1984, after which he promptly began developing dementia.  Aliens were always at the forefront of Ronnie’s mind.  Every chance he got he warned his aides and foreign dignitaries of the possibility of an impending space invasion.  Unfortunately for Ronnie, nobody really paid much attention to his ravings, probably because in most cases he was unable to recall the names of the people he was talking to.  Nancy, not to be out done, got really into astrology, and began using the positions of the planets to advise her husband.

After leaving the White House, Ronnie spent most of his time riding horses and trying to convince people that a person should be allowed to be president for more than two terms.  Ronnie’s dementia grew into full on Alzheimer’s, leaving him a forgetful husk of a man who was in no way capable of saving us from the UFO threat.  Ronnie lived in his own world for more than a decade, having no idea what was happening around him, which is okay, because not much of it was really that great.  Ronnie finally died of pneumonia.  

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ronald_Reagan_with_cowboy_hat_12-0071M_edit.jpg