Lloyd Olsen - The Man with the Famous Chicken

In the 1940's Lloyd Olsen was just a poor farmer trying his best to scratch a living out of dirt in Colorado, but all that changed when he met Mike the magic chicken.  The story begins when Lloyd found out his mother-in-law was coming for a visit.  Knowing that the woman was an avid lover of chicken neck, as all classy women are, Lloyd went out to kill a chicken for the pot, aiming the axe to make sure to save as much neck as possible.  However, after the head fell to the ground, Lloyd was left with a bit of a surprise.  The chicken, despite its decapitation, was still alive.  Not only was it still alive, but it was still walking around and doing its pathetic best to peck and preen.  Lloyd, seeing that this chicken was something special and being a man who knew an opportunity when he saw one, promptly took it into town and started betting people beers that he had a living headless chicken.

The chicken, soon after named Mike for some reason, was possibly the most lucky, or unlucky depending on how you look at it, chicken in the world.  The axe blade had only cut away half of Mike’s brain, which proved to be the half chickens really don't apparently need.  Lloyd cared for his new best friend by shoving milk and small pieces of corn down Mike's esophagus, and clearing away mucus with a syringe.  Mike didn't seem to mind the arrangement, probably because he was a lobotomized fucking chicken.  Lloyd took Mike to the nearest university where he was poked and prodded until the assorted professors all agreed that Mike was indeed alive.  The professors then tried to replicate Mike's creation, purely in the interest of science, but only ended up with a bunch of dead chickens.  It was at this time that Lloyd met a bit of a shyster named Hope Wade who convinced him that there were better ways to use Mike besides scamming local drunks for free beer.

So how does a man make money off a headless chicken in the 1940's?  Why by joining the side show circuit of course.  TV hadn't been invented yet and returning veterans from the most horrible war in history needed something to distract them from their PTSD.  Lloyd and Mike crisscrossed the country, showing off Mike for a quarter a head (around $2.75 in today's cash).  Mike became a nationwide celebrity, appearing in major magazines and ruffling feathers with the rich and famous.  Lloyd, being a more down to earth soul, used the money to buy a hay baler, two tractors, and a pickup truck.  Fan mail from across the country came in, including one that called Lloyd a Nazi for some reason.  People in the 1940's took their chickens very seriously.

After 18 months of touring, the gravy train that was Mike the magic chicken unfortunately came to an end.  While staying at a seedy motel, as all sideshow acts are required to do, Mike choked on a piece of corn and died.  Lloyd, horrified by his loss, told everyone he had sold Mike and then tossed the out the body on the side of the road to be devoured by coyotes.  With Mike gone, Lloyd went back to his simple life of being a farmer, only occasionally bothered by people bringing chickens, six packs of beer, and a hope that there might be a chance that Lloyd could repeat the miracle that was Mike.

Image: https://www.life.com/animals/life-with-mike-the-headless-chicken-photos-of-a-famously-tough-fowl/

John O’Neill - Not Good at Irish Patriotism

The mid-nineteenth century was not a good time for Ireland, what with the heavy-handed rule of the British and the whole potato famine thing genocidally killing all sorts of folks.  It was these conditions that forced Johnny O to flee to the United States at the age of 14, a habit not unheard of amongst his fellow Irishman.  However, things were not much better in the good old U.S. of A., what with the rampant racism against Irish immigrants and whatnot.  Finding the jobs available to a young Irishman in the U.S. less than satisfactory, young Johnny O joined the military and became a cavalry officer, fighting in both the Utah War and Civil War.  Following the Civil War, Johnny O found himself out of a job, which was when the Fenian Brotherhood found him.

The Fenian Brotherhood was a group of Irish patriots, or terrorists depending on who you're asking, who were busily training men and stockpiling weapons in the U.S. to use some day to free Ireland from British rule.  Johnny O loved the group’s passion, but took issue with the fact that they were long on preparation and short on actually doing anything.  Using some interesting “outside the box” thinking Johnny O decided that the best course of action would be for the Fenian’s to invade Canada, which would then somehow result in the British granting Ireland its independence.  Nobody was sure exactly how this plan was going to work, but the thought of actually doing something proved very popular, so the Fenian's just kind of went with it.

In 1866, Johnny O led 1,200 Fenians in an invasion of Canada.  Which was less of an invasion, and more walking 10 miles across the border and occupying a small town of 800 people called Ridgeway, Ontario.  The Canadians, not really sure what to make of the whole thing, sent a small detachment of troops to check things out, who promptly had their asses handed to them by the Fenians, most of whom were Civil War veterans.  Following their victory, the Fenians sat around for a few days, waiting for Ireland to become free, eventually growing bored and returning to the United States.  Despite having accomplished little, Johnny O was declared a hero. 

Hot off of his first so-called success, Johnny O waited four years and then led a second invasion of Canada, but this time in Quebec, because obviously the British probably cared more about the French speaking part of Canada than they did the English speaking part.  The invasion did not start out well.  Johnny O was arrested trying to cross the border, and soon after his army of a few hundred men, leaderless and confused, were easily trounced by the Canadian military.  Johnny O was sentenced to two years in prison, but President Useless S. Grant, finding the whole thing rather ridiculous, pardoned him after only a few months.   

A free man again, Johnny O decided that the best course of action was to invade Canada for a third time.  This time he targeted Manitoba, mostly because almost nobody lived there at the time.  The third invasion went worse than the second.  Johnny O and his army, consisting of a couple dozen men, apparently none of whom knew how to read a map, invaded U.S. territory.  The Canadian military responded by marching into the United States and beating the ever living snot out of the Fenians, who were then arrested by U.S. authorities.  When questioned, Johnny O claimed that he and his men had just been going north to start an Irish colony.  The U.S. government, finding the whole thing ridiculous and really wanting nothing to do with any of it, let Johnny O and his men go. 

After the failure of the third invasion, Johnny O finally accepted that invading Canada would probably not result in a free Ireland.  Not sure what else to do, he worked the rest of his life on what he apparently thought was the next best thing, promoting Irish immigration to Nebraska.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Hon._John_O%27Neill,_Ohio_-_NARA_-_526300.tif

Frederic Tudor - The Ice King

In the dark days before refrigeration was invented, people in the tropics had no way to enjoy icy drinks.  That's right., no margaritas, no daiquiris, and definitely no pina coladas.  At least, that was until Freddy, over dressed in his old timey heavy wool clothes, visited the Caribbean and sweatily decided the lack of ice was bull shit.  Hence, one of the great American entrepreneurs set out on his journey to greatness.

Freddy was a man of the early 19th century, a stern unsmiling demeanor wrapped in a halo of curly hair and massive mutton chops.  Born into a wealthy Boston family, Freddy spent the summer of his 22nd year much like the rich kids of today, in the Caribbean sweating his balls off.  However, unlike today’s entitled youths, the experience actually gave Freddy an idea.  Specifically, he realized that relaxing in the Caribbean would be a lot nicer if they could get some cool drinks up in that shit.  The Caribbean needed ice, and his homeland of New England had too much of it.  Why not just load a shit ton of ice on a boat and ship it on down?   Now if at this point you are saying to yourself, "because ice melts, stupid," congratulations, you have already given it more thought than Freddy did.  Running back up to New England, he soon sent down sent down his first frosty shipment.  Mysteriously, half of his first cargo of ice disappeared.  The remainder was sold at a loss or melted whilst sitting on the sweltering dock. 

Now at this point most people would have had a good laugh at how silly they had been and call it good.  Not Freddy.  Undeterred, he doubled down, sending more ships filled with frozen water into the hot tropic sun, losing money with each vessel to the point that he was thrown in debtor's prison a couple of times.  For those not in the know, debtor’s prison was where you got sent if you were unable to pay your debts, which is a surefire way of making sure you will probably never make enough money to pay back said debts.  Still undeterred, the moment Freddy got out, he borrowed more money and set out for Cuba in yet another vessel filled with ice, the police literally just missing him at the wharf. 

While Freddy may have been a bit of a stubborn idiot, he was also a perseverant one.  Over the years of literally beating his head against the wall, he learned to adopt newer and better technologies.  Ice was coated in sawdust and straw, and ice houses were built at Caribbean ports.  After 19 years of losing money, Freddy quite suddenly became a success.  Ships carrying ice from New England started sailing regularly to the Caribbean, the Deep South, and even as far as India, where riots broke out when people, many of whom had never seen ice before, saw their miraculous purchase literally melt in their hands. 

Freddy celebrated his success the way most successful men do, by marrying a woman 30 years his junior and pumping out a bunch of heirs.  He also tried his hand at more conventional industries, such as fruit and coffee imports, but failed at both miserably.  Ice was to remain his chilled bread and butter for the rest of his life.  The export of ice from New England to the rest of the world rapidly became one of the United States’ top exports.  Freddy died in 1864 at the age of 80, just as the first early refrigerators were being invented.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Frederic_Tudor-facingright_pre1864.jpg