Edmund Creffield - Holy Roller Extraordinaire

At the start of the twentieth century a man in his mid-thirties named Edmund became disenchanted with the Salvation Army, because in his words they weren't religious enough.  This is somewhat of an interesting statement given that the Salvation Army of the time was much more into beating drums and yelling about hell than it is today.  Thoroughly disgusted by their half assery, Edmund decided it would just be best if he started his own religion.  Setting up shop in Corvallis, Oregon, Edmund began preaching his new brand of Christianity, called the Brides of Christ, which quickly attracted members of many prominent families around town.  The Brides of Christ weren't one of those quiet and demure sects.  No, members spent hours screaming and rolling around on the ground, wearing nothing but what amounted to thin white bathrobes, working themselves into a delirious frenzy.  For some strange reason, Edmund's new church was comprised mostly well to do women, which probably had nothing to do with the fact that it gave them the perfect opportunity to do something else with their lives besides household chores and catering to the every whim of the men in their lives.

As is to be expected, things got weird fast.  First Edmund ordered his congregation to cut themselves off from unbelievers, causing many wives, mothers, and daughters to separate themselves from their families.  Then he ordered them to burn all of their worldly possessions, which in the ensuing bonfire apparently included a couple of cats and dogs.  This was followed by the entire congregation barricading itself in a house for months, screaming, rolling around on the floor, and doing god knows what else.  The men of Corvallis, upset by this chain of events, tarred and feathered Edmund and ran him out of town.  However, he soon after returned, now legally married to a woman named Maude, one of his parishioners.  By this time, tales of Edmund sleeping with more than just his new wife started to circulate, and a warrant was issued for his arrest for adultery, which back then could land you in jail.  After a statewide manhunt, which ended with a dirty Edmund found living under a porch, the holy man was sent to jail for two years.  Most of his followers were put in insane asylums, because only a crazy woman would join a sex cult rather than spend her days cleaning house and cooking meals.

When Edmund got out of prison, he re-gathered his flock, most of whom had since been freed from the asylum, and told them that he was the new Jesus and that god would punish the world for imprisoning him.  As luck would have it, the San Francisco earthquake happened a few days later.  Edmund then told his flock that he needed to sleep with all of them in a purification ritual to prepare one to the be the new Mary, which is confusing given that he thought he was Jesus.  However, having seen Edmund destroy San Francisco, his followers just kind of went with it.  Edmund then led his cult in an exodus from Corvallis to the Oregon Coast.  It was at this point that things began to get ugly.  One of the angry husbands tracked the Brides of Christ to the coast and tried to shoot Edmund with a revolver.  The revolver didn't go off, increasing Edmund's stature. However, not quite having the same faith in himself as his followers, Edmund then chose to escape to Seattle, taking only his wife Maude and Esther, the woman he had chosen to be the new Mary, with him.  The rest of the women were left to starve and freeze on the beach.

Edmund's luck ran out in Seattle.  Esther's angry brother, George, tracked the trio down and shot Edmund in the head in broad daylight, killing him instantly.  George was arrested, but was later acquitted based on the ruling that it should be okay to shoot someone if they fuck every woman in your family and aren’t actually Jesus.  Laws were different back then.  However, George did not get to enjoy his freedom for long.  His sister Esther, a little angry about not getting to be the new Mary, shot him in the head in broad daylight.  An unrepentant Esther was declared legally insane, along with Maude for good measure, and the two women were sent to the asylum.  Both women later killed themselves.  The rest of the flock, somewhat embarrassed, returned home to pretend that none of it had ever happened, spending their days cleaning house and cooking meals.

Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Edmund_Creffield#/media/File:Creffield-Edmund.jpg

Pocahontas - Can You Paint with All the Colors of the Bullshit?

Pokey was the daughter of Powhatan, the head chief of the Algonquian tribes of Virginia. As was tradition, each tribe sent a woman to Powhatan to bear him a child, at which point they were then sent back to find a new husband.  Pokey was one of these children.  Pokey's name was said to mean wanton, which can mean either that she enjoyed to play and frolic, or that she was sexually immodest.  When Pokey was around 11, a sizable group of English settlers showed up in Virginia and built a town in a swamp.  The English called their new settlement Jamestown.  Their leader, a self-centered adventurer named John Smith, visited Powhatan to establish relations.  Smith, who was a bit of a pathological liar, later claimed that Powhatan tried to crush his head with a club, but that Pokey stopped him.  In truth, the two men probably just talked, but that wouldn’t have made for a good story.

Following the initial meeting, Pokey often went to Jamestown to visit Smith and to play games with the boys there.  Take that sentence however you want.  Noticing that the people of Jamestown were starving to death, because they were idiots, she started bringing them food.  This lasted for two years until Smith had to go back to England after becoming severely wounded by a gun powder accident.  The remaining English, apparently just because they were assholes, told Pokey that Smith had died.  After that Pokey quit coming around to play and things between the English and the natives quickly deteriorated into a war which lasted four years.  Early in the war, the English captured Pokey and tried to use her as leverage for negotiations with her father to get him to return some stolen guns and tools.  Powhatan, having many daughters, did not return all of the items demanded, which resulted in a year long standoff.

During the standoff it was said that Pokey received "extraordinary courteous usage".  Again, take that as you will.  Whatever was going on, Pokey was also baptized a Christian and renamed Rebecca, because even in time of war, the English couldn't get past the need to save what they considered wayward souls.  The standoff built up to a violent confrontation between the two sides, but Pokey, in proper angry daughter fashion, stepped between the two armies and publicly berated her father for not giving up a few guns for her.  Then, in a move born of some kind of mix of Stockholm Syndrome and teenage rebelliousness, she married an Englishman named John Rolfe, who was famous for being the first white man to successfully cultivate tobacco.  The two sides, now awkward in-laws, made peace.  John and Pokey's marriage was a strange one, not because she was 18 and he was 29, but because he considered her a heathen savage, which is probably not the best start to a marriage.

Pokey lived for two years at Jamestown with her new husband, during which time she gave birth to a son.  After two years of wedded bliss, Rolfe took her back to England with him to act as a walking tourist attraction and billboard for setting up more colonies in Virginia.  Pokey was a big hit in England, attending all of the finest parties and even getting to meet the king.  She also got to see her old friend John Smith, which was surprising given that she thought he had been dead for the past eight years.  After a year in England, the couple set out for home, but before the ship even got out of the River Thames, Pokey fell ill with smallpox and died.  She was 21 years old.  Soon after, the Algonquian tribes and English settlers went back to killing each other in Virginia.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Pocahontas_by_Simon_van_de_Passe_(1616).png

Joshua Norton The First - Emperor of The United States

San Francisco in the mid-nineteenth century was a tough place to live, but for the fortunate, there were mountains of money to be made.  For many, these mountains were lost just as quickly.

Norton showed up in San Francisco at age of 31 on a boat from South Africa with a million dollar inheritance in his pockets.  Norton had a lot of success in Frisco for his first ten years, amassing a considerable fortune of nearly seven million dollars through real estate ventures.  It was at this time, hearing of a famine in China, Norton tried to corner the rice market, a venture that fell apart when the price of rice plummeted.  Norton, like any good businessman, tried to wiggle his way out of his obligations via the court system.  Unfortunately, this ploy failed after years of litigation.  Norton's assets were seized and he suddenly found himself in the literal poor house.  The whole experience left a decidedly bitter taste in his mouth.  With few options available to him, Norton went with the most insane one possible and declared himself Norton I, Emperor of the United States and the Protector of Mexico.

Luckily for Norton, this was a time before even radio, and the people of San Francisco were constantly bored out of their minds.  For the local newspapers, which were already reporting on the weekly adventures of two stray dogs, a crazy man publicly declaring himself emperor was a god send.  Norton kicked off his reign with a series of edicts aimed at dissolving Congress and arresting every member of the U.S. legislative branch.  Congress, in a rather ballsy move, ignored the edict, but the citizens of San Francisco became enamored with their new king, buying him a beautiful blue uniform with golden epaulets, which for you more uncouth readers are the dangly things on the shoulders.  Norton further expanded his royal wardrobe with an umbrella, peacock feather and top hat, and a large rosette (those ribbons they hand out at the County Fair).  Thus, regally bedecked, Norton would wander the streets, inspecting public buildings and the appearance of police officers, and giving long philosophical speeches to anyone who would listen.

For 21 years Norton ruled over the United States.  While most of his edicts were ignored, even the ones that made good sense; such as building a bridge to Oakland or banishing all stray cats; his citizens always treated him with the utmost respect.  Though penniless, Norton was allowed to dine at the finest restaurants and was always given a private box at the opening night of every play and show.  Norton returned these kindnesses by handing out Imperial Seals of Approval and bestowing titles of nobility.  To pay for his debts, Norton issued his own money, which of course had his picture on it, and sold Imperial bonds to tourists.  However, Norton's reign was not always easy.  He was once arrested by a policeman who, for some reason, thought Norton was insane.  Norton was soon after released with an official apology, and being a magnanimous ruler, pardoned the arresting officer.  After that, all police officers saluted Norton when he walked by.

San Francisco being full of crazy people, Norton did have one rival in the personage of a phrenologist named George Washington Number Two, a man who was convinced that he was the reincarnation of the first president.  GW #2 believed himself to be quite the ladies’ man, which mostly involved him showing his bare legs to passersby.  He became a thorn in Norton's side for quite some time.  When not engaged in his rivalry, Norton spent most of his days writing letters to other world monarchs, many of whom wrote back with amazingly similar handwriting.  This culminated in Queen Victoria accepting his offer of marriage.  Unfortunately, the royal wedding never took place due to Norton dying.  The Emperor's funeral was one of the largest in San Francisco history.

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Emperor_Joshua_A._Norton_I.jpg