Story first published in blazevox, Issue 9, in the spring of 2025.
Jerry wasn’t sure what woke him up. It might have been the feeling of the bed shaking, or perhaps the low moan which sent the blood frantically rushing through his veins and old memories arcing before his closed eyes. He woke confused and uncertain, his mind desperately scrambling for purchase upon which to anchor itself to reality. He’d been sitting in his office doing paperwork. Once upon a time it would have developed further from there. Someone would walk in and kiss him lightly upon the back of the neck. They’d put their arms around him. Things would progress. No more though. Now the dreams never ventured further than the monotony of his existence. The entire night would be nothing but paperwork.
The light shaking of the bed and another soft moan gave Jerry’s mind the purchase it needed to lever him into full wakefulness. He opened his eyes to a world just as dark as when they were closed except for the burning red dashes of the clock on the dresser. It was just past three in the morning. He lay there, staring at the time, his heart thumping in his ears. He could feel Mona moving behind him on the mattress. In his mind he could see everything as he had once seen it before. Her nightgown pulled up around her waist. Her fingers exploring, probing, slithering their way down her body, following the increasing warmth.
Jerry bit his lip. The thumping in his heart became a thunderous deluge of maddened beats. Mona moaned again. Jerry took a deep breath in, a bullock testing the air, and let it out. A mosaic of images flashed through his mind. A never ending kaleidoscope of memories and fantasies mixed together into a torrent of suppressed frustrations. She was masturbating. She was masturbating next to him in their bed, beating back the enfolding layers of cold with each shake of the mattress.
Jerry rolled over. He could see her shape in the darkness. A lump of slightly darker huddled within the obscurity of the gloom. Her back was to him. Jerry inched over, remembering the nights of trying to stay quiet so as not to wake the children. There were no children now though. They were all gone, the youngest in college. Mona moaned again. This one louder than the rest. Once they had been in love. Once they had both been insatiable. Jerry pulled himself close to Mona’s back, nestling into its curve, embracing it like a long lost friend. His arm snaked over her, reveling in the feel of her, but yet still tinged with uncertainty. It had been so very long. His hand approached her right breast. He leaned in close to kiss the back of her neck.
Mona shot upward into a sitting position, throwing Jerry’s arm aside and startling him into a sudden retreat. The dark shadow of her form towered over him, and her voice seemed unnaturally loud in the darkness, though her words were a hissing whisper, as though the children were still living in the house.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Jerry choked on the bile in her tone.
“I….”
It was not a question for which she expected an answer.
“Jesus Jerry. Can’t I sleep without you pawing at me like some kind of horny teenager?”
“I….”
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Jerry’s mind struggled to get purchase in this new reality. His confused voice was the squeak of an adolescent, pathetic and scrambling.
“You were….I thought….”
She didn’t let him finish.
“Just go back to bed.”
She flopped back down on her side, wadding a good portion of the comforter to act as a barrier between them.
“But….”
The whiplash of her voice raked across him one last time.
“Just go to bed.”
Jerry lay on his back in the darkness, his side cold where the edge of the comforter no longer covered him. He stared upwards towards the unseen ceiling above, an infinity of black hanging over him. Mona shifted herself several times. Her breathing became soft and regular, punctuated by the occasional nasal snore. Jerry lay awake next to his sleeping wife. Unsure of the world around him. She had been masturbating. He was sure she had been masturbating. How long had it been? Seven years at least since the last droplets of such carnal pleasures had been finally wrung from their marriage. He shouldn’t have reached out and touched her. She was frightened. Embarrassed. He should have said something first, but once upon a time it hadn’t been that way. The morning would not be pleasant. Such thoughts ricocheted themselves through his head until sleep finally took him.
Mona was already out of bed when Jerry woke up the next morning. He pissed, showered, shaved and got dressed, wracking his brains to try and make sense of the night before. He came down the stairs and found Mona already in the kitchen in a matronly dress and cardigan, just her hands and head exposed. Her hair was pulled back into a severe bun. She looked older than she was. She looked about as sexual as a block of wood.
Jerry sat down at the table. Mona put his breakfast in front of him as she always did. Two eggs, over medium, with two slices of buttered toast. It was the same breakfast he had every weekday. The egg whites were runny. It wasn’t a good sign. He knew the night before hadn’t been forgotten. Mona sat down across from him with nothing in front of her but a mug of coffee. From long experience, Jerry knew it was best to be the one to bring it up. He stared down at his eggs, breathing in and out, and then raised his eyes to Mona’s displeased face.
“Would you like to talk about something honey?”
Mona’s hands were wrapped tightly around her cup of coffee, her knuckles were white. Her voice was tight as a drum, each word forced through taut lips.
“Do you have any idea how violated I feel?”
Jerry looked back down at his eggs.
“I’m sorry honey, I didn’t mean….”
Tears were starting to form in Mona’s eyes.
“Thirty years of marriage Jerry. We’ve been married for thirty years.”
Jerry thought about reaching his hand out across the table, but then thought better of it. He bit his lip instead.
“It’s been thirty wonderful years honey.”
Mona stared down into her coffee cup as though trying to divine answers from the liquid depths.
“I don’t know what made you think it would be okay, after thirty years of marriage, to start pawing at me in my sleep Jerry.”
“Honey….”
“It’s unacceptable Jerry. I was asleep for god’s sake. Do you know how it feels to wake up to something like that?”
Jerry knocked on the table with a closed fist. He took in a deep breath and let it out, then another one.
“I know you weren’t asleep Mona.”
Mona’s eyes widened, then narrowed. A red flush rose up her face.
“I was asleep Jerry.”
Jerry looked up at his wife.
“I heard you….”
“You heard me what Jerry?”
She was getting angry. Jerry could see the vibration in her hands kicking up small ripples across the surface of her coffee. Jerry’s eyes wavered back down to his eggs, but still he pressed forward.
“I heard you masturbating Mona.”
“You heard me…. masturbating?”
The last word was given extra enunciation. Jerry couldn’t raise his eyes, in the light of day it was almost embarrassing to say.
“Yes, Mona, I heard you masturbating.”
“Seriously Jerry. Of all the bullshit you’ve pulled over the years.”
Her tone was enough to tell him what he’d see if he looked up.
“I….”
“I’m not going to listen to this shit Jerry. Learn to take responsibility for god’s sake.”
She pushed herself back away from the table with sudden violence.
“I have to get to work.”
She rose and left the kitchen. Jerry sat at the table, unsure what to do, his breakfast growing cold in front of him. The front door opened and slammed shut. Mona’s car started and drove away. Jerry rose and threw out his breakfast and Mona’s abandoned cup of coffee. He did the dishes as he always did, and then went to work.
He thought about it the whole day; all through his commute, all through his morning meetings, and all through the afternoon when he should have been finalizing his reports. He could’ve sworn that Mona had been masturbating. They had been married for thirty years. He knew things about his wife. But she had been so sure. She had seemed so certain. She had gotten so angry. Perhaps he had been mistaken. Maybe she had been asleep. Just twitching and making noises as one so often did. When she was younger she had been an active sleeper, tossing and turning in bed, even sleepwalking a time or two. Perhaps he had let himself believe what he wanted to believe. He did miss certain things that once had been. There was no denying it, but she was right, that didn’t give him the right to go pawing at her like a horny teenager.
On the way home he bought her flowers. He apologized as soon as he saw her. She was still mad, but she took the flowers and at least acknowledged that he had apologized. That night he slept on the couch, and the next night too, but after that she let him come back to the bed, back to his place on the left side of the mattress with the seeming miles of no man’s land between them.
A month later, Jerry was awakened again. This time he was sure what had awakened him. It was a loud moan, a deep guttural response to growing pleasure. He could feel her movements through the springs of the mattress. He rolled over. It was just as it had been a month before. Her form a black shadow in the darkness. Her back was to him. She moaned again. Louder this time. A chaotic mixture of illicit delight and unsureness coursed its way through his veins. Images flashed through his mind, a cacophony of beautiful memories tucked deep down and away so as not to poison the view of present circumstances.
She was masturbating. There was no doubt in his mind she was masturbating. Right here in the bed. Right here next to him, a man who would do anything to feel her touch, to give her what she was currently giving herself. He needed her. He yearned for her. He wanted her. He wanted to feel the things he had once felt. They were middle aged, getting closer to elderly with every day, but they weren’t dead. But wait. Why had she lied to him? Why had she refused to admit the truth? Doubt ran full tilt into his lust, forcing it back. Was she embarrassed? She had always been the one in control, both of herself and the marriage. She had always been the strong one in the relationship. Did she see it as a weakness? To have such a need at her age? She had always had strong views of the world, how things should be.
Jerry loved his wife. He loved her more than anything else in the world. Sure, he had grieved when the times of lust faded, collapsing downward to once a month, then just his birthday and their anniversary, and then nothing at all. But he loved her. They had built a life together. But now here she was, apparently too proud to admit that she still had the same needs as him. Mona could be stubborn, lord how Jerry knew she could be stubborn, but it all seemed so ridiculous. Why hide such a thing? They were man and wife. Maybe it was something wrong with him? But why couldn’t they talk about it then? They had always been able to talk about anything.
What should he do? Should he reach over as before? Should he say something sexy? Should he say her name? How could he show her that it was all right? How could he tell her that all he wanted was to be part of something obviously bringing her pleasure? He bit his lip in the darkness. The blood was pounding in his ears, its demands growing more insistent. He reached out a hand, but then withdrew it without touching her. Maybe he could say something like ‘do you need a hand.’ No, it sounded ridiculous. Her name, he could just say her name. He could just let her know that he knew. Maybe then they could talk about it. He took a deep breath in and let it out. He opened his mouth to speak.
Mona let out a long loud moan. The shadow that was her jerked in the darkness, sending a shock wave through the mattress. Jerry suddenly felt unsure, his building confidence collapsing like a house of cards. He steeled himself, reforming the fallen structure. He took in a deep breath and let it out again, but it was too late. He could hear her soft snores from her side of the bed. Jerry rolled onto his back and stared upward into the obscurity, unable to sleep for all the thoughts cycling their way through his head.
By morning he decided that he had to try speaking up again. It was lunacy not to say something. He hated to do it, he hated to call out his wife in such a way, but here she was, so clearly lying to him. They had never lied to each other before, at least as far as he knew. The whole thing was bringing up too many unpleasant questions not to raise it.
They sat at the breakfast table together. Him eating his eggs and toast. Her eating a poppy seed muffin. He ate quickly so as to have time to bring it up before they had to go to work. It probably would be better to wait, but he knew he wouldn’t be able to wait. He knew he was not a patient man, not the kind to let things hang needlessly in the unknown. It was a need that could not be denied. She ate her muffin slowly. Though it made every fiber within him tighten mercilessly, he waited until she was done. He leveled his gaze across the table, and formed his face into what he imagined was the most loving and accepting face in the world.
“Can we talk about something real quick honey?”
Mona looked up at him, her eyebrows raised.
“Of course, you know we can always talk about things. What’s up?”
Jerry suddenly felt afraid. He looked down at his empty plate, then back up at his wife.
“I know we don’t talk much about…. well…. some of the more carnal parts of our marriage.”
Mona let out an exasperated breath.
“We’ve talked about this Jerry. When people get older, they just lose the need for such things. Neither one of us are that young anymore.”
“We’re not that old either.”
Mona took in a breath and let out another sigh.
“It’s perfectly natural for libido to wane. There’s nothing wrong with it.”
Jerry nodded his head in agreement.
“Of course there’s nothing wrong with it.”
Mona leaned back in her chair.
“I thought we had gotten all of this settled years ago. I don’t know what’s been wrong with you lately. First groping at me in my sleep. Now bringing it up again.”
Jerry looked down at this plate again, and then back up at his wife.
“I don’t know, maybe if we tried again.”
Mona leaned forward, her face angry. She punctuated each word with a poke of the table top.
“I’m just not interested in sex anymore Jerry. I’m sorry. It’s perfectly natural for a woman of my age not to be interested in sex. I don’t really feel like digging all of this up again.”
Jerry could feel the heat rising up the back of his neck. She was lying. Why was she lying to him? He couldn’t take the bullshit.
“I heard you masturbating last night Mona.”
Her eyes grew wide and she reared back, but then her eyes narrowed and she jutted herself forward.
“What the hell Jerry?”
Jerry could feel himself growing flush.
“You were masturbating. I heard you masturbating in the bed right next to me.”
Mona’s entire body was shaking. She stabbed an accusatory finger at him.
“What the hell is wrong with you?”
Jerry’s voice rose in volume.
“You were masturbating.”
Mona’s voice rose to meet his volume.
“I haven’t masturbated since I was in my twenties. I don’t know what the heck is wrong with you, or what kind of crap you think you’re pulling, but I’m getting pretty sick of it.”
Jerry pushed his chair back. He left his plate on the table. He marched towards the front door, turning back in the kitchen doorway.
“I know what I heard.”
Mona rolled her eyes at him.
“You’re being ridiculous.”
Jerry swung around and left in a huff. He was so mad the whole day that he hardly got any work done and nearly t-boned a Subaru on his way home. They fought about it again that evening, her remaining insistent that he was being ridiculous. It drove him insane. Why was she lying? It didn’t make a damn bit of sense. He loved her. He could accept anything, but not this, not the lies. She never told him to sleep on the couch, but he did it anyway. He slept on the couch for six days, thoughts of her masturbating upstairs driving him wild with passion, envy, and jealousy.
One evening, while he brushed his teeth in his boxers, he took a good look at himself in the mirror. He stood back to get a broader view. He had always thought of himself as a handsome man, but he had to admit that he was getting older. His face was lined, his hair was gray and thinning, and he had developed a significant paunch over the years. Maybe that was it, maybe it wasn’t that Mona no longer had a sex drive, maybe it was just that she was no longer attracted to him. It hardly seemed fair. After all, she had aged too, but he still thought she was beautiful. Every mark, every change, were signs of their life together.
Such thoughts wiggled their way through his brain. Gnawing away at his sense of self. Here he was, suffering on the couch, while she slept upstairs alone, likely reveling in her new found ability to masturbate whenever the hell she wanted. By the sixth night he couldn’t take it anymore. When it came time to hit the sack, he went upstairs and got into their bed. Mona didn’t say anything, she just rolled over and went to sleep.
Nothing happened that night, or the night after. Things went back to the normal routine, though inwardly Jerry continued to seethe. For her part, Mona seemed to be completely fine letting the whole matter drop. For over two weeks Jerry lay awake in bed, listening, waiting, ready to catch her in the act, but nothing happened. Eventually he fell asleep, and as each night passed in silence, he fell asleep earlier and earlier until he was passing out nearly before his head even hit the pillow. Had it all been his imagination? Was he going crazy? No. He knew what he had heard, but part of him desperately hoped it had all just been in his head. Things would be simpler that way. It was a comforting thought, one that over time he let consume him until it became truth.
The jostling of the bed woke him up. Jerry clawed his way back to reality with a terrible jolt of the dream world being whisked away. Next to him, Mona let out a low moan. Every muscle in Jerry’s body tightened. He could feel a dark rage building in him. Enough was enough. He couldn’t take it anymore. Mona was lying to him. She was fucking lying to him, and it had to stop. Tonight it would stop. He kept his eyes on the red glow of the clock on the dresser. He reached forward slowly, careful to not shake the bed or give any other sign that he was awake. Behind him, Mona let out another guttural moan that put Jerry’s teeth on edge. Inch by inch he moved his hand forward, until he found the switch for the small lamp on the bedside table. He clicked it over.
The bedroom dimly flashed into existence. Jerry rolled over quickly, sweeping aside the blankets, his face filled with maddened glee, denunciations ready to launch themselves from his lips. Mona was half on her side and half on her back. Her nightgown was hiked up, revealing her panties and the fingers of her left hand hidden between her thighs. Her neck and back were arched with pleasure. Her eyes were closed. She didn’t stop. She didn’t react. It was as though she didn’t notice anything else in the world. The denunciations died on Jerry’s lips. She was asleep. She was masturbating in her sleep. Jerry reached out and softly jostled his wife’s shoulder. She came awake with a sudden start, her eyes wide like a deer caught in the headlights.
“What…. Jerry what’s…..”
She came back fully into the world.
“Jerry, what’s wrong, why did you wake me up?”
Jerry looked at his wife. She looked startled, uncertain in the half light of the lamp. She looked so very vulnerable.
“You were having a nightmare.”
Mona looked around the room, self-consciously pulling down the hem of her nightgown.
“A nightmare?”
“Yeah, you were jerking around quite a bit.”
Mona nodded.
“Okay.”
Jerry put a reassuring hand on her shoulder. It felt good to touch her.
“You okay?”
Mona nodded again.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Sorry for waking you.”
Jerry smiled at his wife.
“It’s okay. Good night.”
“Good night.”
Mona pulled the blankets back over her and Jerry shut off the lamp. She started snoring soon after. Jerry wasn’t so lucky.
The next day was Sunday. Jerry didn’t say anything at breakfast. Mona did the crossword puzzle in the Sunday paper and Jerry helped as best he could while he washed the dishes, but then declared he needed to go out and mow the lawn. He needed time to think. She was masturbating in her sleep. What did it mean? Should he tell her? Would she believe him? Jerry had his doubts. Could people even masturbate in their sleep? It was a stupid question given what he had seen. He decided to wait until dinner to broach the subject, but then chickened out. Things seemed so pleasant. Mona talked about the book she was reading. It felt nice to just listen to her voice.
He didn’t get up the guts until he was already lying in bed. She was in the bathroom, brushing her teeth. Jerry took a deep bracing breath in preparation, and then flung himself forward.
“Honey, I’ve got a question for you.”
She turned and leaned against the doorway, the toothbrush still in her mouth, framed by the brightness of the bathroom light.
“Hmmmm?”
“Have you ever heard of people doing things in their sleep?”
Mona’s face grew quizzical. She pulled the toothbrush from her mouth.
“You mean like you farting in your sleep all the time?”
Mona laughed. She was smiling. She had such a beautiful smile. Jerry tried to smile too. Mona went back into the bathroom and spit, then turned out the light. She came into the bedroom and got into her side of the bed. She turned to Jerry and smiled again in the dim light of the bedside lamp.
“What’s bothering you Jerry?”
Jerry stared down at his folded hands in his lap.
“Have you ever heard of someone masturbating in their sleep?”
Mona looked cross for a moment, but then took in a deep breath through her nose and let it out. When she spoke, her voice was calm, but firm.
“Jerry, I think you’re being ridiculous.”
Jerry winced. He looked at his wife.
“But….”
“Jerry, listen to me. I don’t know what is happening with you right now. I love you. I love you oh so very much, but I just don’t have any interest in that kind of stuff anymore. I don’t enjoy getting pestered about it all the time. To be honest, I feel like this weird obsession of yours, or fantasy, or whatever, is getting out of hand. It makes me feel like I’m not enough for you as I am. What do you want from me? Do you want me to do something I don’t want to do? Do you want me to let you go gallivanting around looking to get laid? What do you want me to do?”
There were tears in her eyes. Jerry reached out and grabbed her hand.
“I don’t want anyone else. I married you. I love you.”
Mona pulled her hand free to wipe away her tears.
“Then please just drop it Jerry. Just drop it.”
Jerry stared down at his hands again. What could he do? He took in a breath and let it out. He looked up and smiled at his wife.
“Okay. I’m sorry honey. Good night.”
She smiled too, and gave him a motherly peck on the forehead.
“Good night.”
Jerry turned off the lamp. Mona masturbated again that night. Jerry didn’t even have a chance to fall asleep. He turned on the bedside lamp for a moment to check. She was most definitely asleep, going to town on herself. For a moment a thought flitted through his head. Maybe he could record her doing it. His phone was plugged in downstairs. He could grab it, come back up, and have undeniable proof of what was going on. He squashed the idea as quickly as it came. What kind of a man would he be if he did such a thing? Recording his wife at her most intimate and vulnerable without her permission? How would he be able to look at himself in the mirror?
Jerry turned back off the lamp. He lay in the dark and listened to her. His mind was unsure, but his body wasn’t. He could feel the blood thundering in his ears. He bit his bottom lip. He couldn’t deal with it anymore. He couldn’t take it. Jerry got up and went down the stairs. He moved through the house, a phantom in his own home. He went to the downstairs bathroom and did what he had to do.
On their eighth date she had let him come back to her basement apartment. They made out on her couch and then moved back to her bedroom. It had just been a mattress on the floor. Things rounded second and moved on. All but their underwear was scattered across the floor, as they writhed and grinded on each other. He’d been tugging on her panties when she had stopped him. Classy women didn’t do such things she had said, and she was a classy woman. Though apparently classy women still gave handjobs. After all, she had said, she understood that men have certain needs. Things like that had gone on for a while. They eventually developed to pretty much anything but the run to home. That she had saved until marriage. It had been worth it though. She had been a generous lover, and he had always tried to do all he could to reciprocate. He could still sense the feel of her in his hands. He could still see her smiling down at him as she….
With a jerk it was done. Jerry flushed the evidence down the toilet. He got up, pulled up his boxers, and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked worn out. When had he gotten so old? He stepped back and turned to see his profile. His paunch seemed bigger than it had been before. He turned out the light and headed back upstairs. Mona was done as well. She was snoring peacefully through her nose. Jerry got into bed and looked at her. What was she dreaming about? What images flashed through her head when she was doing it? Was it him? Maybe a past version still fit and handsome, or was it somebody else? Some stranger that filled her with secret yearnings that he with his decaying form could no longer provide. He could feel tears in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall.
Mona was already out of bed when Jerry got up in the morning. He peed, showered, shaved, and dressed as he did every weekday. He came downstairs. Mona was by the stove, humming to herself happily as she finished cooking his eggs. He looked at her. She was still a beautiful woman. She must have felt him staring. She turned and smiled at him.
“What?”
He smiled back.
“Nothing. You just look lovely this morning.”
She blushed a little and turned back to the eggs. Jerry let his gaze wander around the kitchen, eventually lingering on the refrigerator. It was covered in photos held on by magnets. Their three kids. Two boys and a girl, the youngest just starting college. A photo of he and Mona on vacation a few months ago, standing in front of some waterfall in Iceland. They were both wearing sunglasses and smiling, big beautiful smiles. Mona came over with his eggs and toast. She deposited the plate in front of him and gave his shoulder a squeeze.
“You look very handsome this morning too.”
Her voice sounded so very sincere. Jerry reached up and squeezed the hand on his shoulder. He smiled up at his wife and she smiled back. She went and got a banana and a cup of coffee for herself. She never ate much breakfast. After eating she went upstairs to grab her purse. Jerry washed the dishes as he always did. It was bright and sunny outside. It was going to be a good day.