Connecticut - The Land of Steady Habits

Hey Connecticut, nobody gives two shits about you.  In fact, I’m pretty sure if we asked some random jackass on the street to name all fifty states, that you would be the one they forgot, even if they were standing in you at the very moment.  I mean shit, you’re name isn’t even a real word.  It’s a super butchered version of an Algonquian word meaning long tidal river, because that’s who lived in you when the first Europeans showed up and because you have a stupid slow moving river that cuts right through the middle of you.  It’s this kind of creativity that made you the state you are today. 

Where are those Algonquian today Connecticut?  What happened to them?  Oh, that’s right, 75% of them got smallpox the moment Europeans first started showing up, and pretty much the rest died in a war when it turned out that those same Europeans were a bunch of dicks.  And who pray tell were these precious settlers?  Oh yeah, just a bunch of stupid Puritans migrating south from the theocracy that was Massachusetts back then because they were tired of being told the exact way god wanted them wipe their asses.  Of course these same minor sinners then started their own theocracy, because why the fuck not, pretty much running things until the start of the twentieth century.  Great start Connecticut.  Just great. 

You know Connecticut, in your younger days you were pretty much the kid in school who ran around hitting other kids for no damn good reason.  I mean shit, you literally went to war with New York and then Pennsylvania, the latter right in the middle of the fucking Revolutionary War.  What the fuck?  But wait, you’re probably going to say, clear back in 1686 the British wanted to take our state charter, but we saved it by hiding it in a fucking oak tree.  Oh, great, you hid a fucking charter in an oak tree.  News flash Connecticut, the British just plain didn’t give a fuck about you, that’s why they didn’t knock your smarmy ass to the floor, not because you were some kind of secret badass.       

I know what you’re going to say next Connecticut.  Well, we were the first center of industry when the United States became a thing.  Yeah, now look at you, you’re just a glorified suburb of New York City.  I mean seriously, it would be nice to pretend that something else interesting has happened in you, but that would just be a filthy lie.  The only time we even hear about you anymore is when something bad happens in you, which actually happen more than they probably should given your relative size.  I mean shit, the only thing that is even remotely interesting about you is how you somehow are able to exist as a strange amalgamation of people who are up to their assholes in money and folks who are poor as shit with little to nothing in between. 

I don’t know, maybe that’s not true, but if I’m being honest, I really don’t even care.  I’ll say it again Connecticut, nobody gives two shits about you.     

Georgia - The Peach State

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Rot in hell Georgia.  I’d say go to hell, but given your humidity problem, I’d have to say that you’re already there.  Your named after King George II of England, a short tempered boorish little shit known for his excessive weight, love of mistresses, and for dying from overexterions related to a bad case of constipation.  So yeah, I’d say you took after your namesake pretty damn well.   

It’s pretty amazing that you’re even a state given that originally you were pretty much just a no man’s land between England, Spain, and France; which was pretty much just a sad dick waving contest that only succeeded in killing as many of the existing native tribes as possible.  I mean shit, you were the last of the thirteen colonies to be created, only appearing on the scene a little over forty years before the Declaration of Independence.  I guess you could say England finally won then, but I think it was more like everyone else went home and England just kind of go stuck with you.  Now don’t get me wrong, I think you started out with some great ideas.  Originally you were supposed to be this magical utopia where slavery was illegal and very poor people had a chance to build themselves a new life.  Too bad that idea was abandoned pretty fucking quick in favor of just stuffing yourself full of slaves and rich ass plantation owners.    

To give credit where credit is due, you did go pretty freedom crazy during the Revolutionary War, but then you found gold on Cherokee land and forced them to all move to Oklahoma, so you know, not exactly the kind of uplifting story you tell the kids.  You just kind of kept rolling with the douchebaggery after that.  In 1861, you were one of the first states to join the Confederacy to defend slavery, and even after the Union Army pretty much burned you to the ground you still refused to ratify the amendments abolishing slavery and granting equal rights until 1870.  You were literally the last Confederate state to agree to the idea that people are people.  Even when you finally did sign on it was all a bunch of bullshit, which is pretty obvious given how you treated African-Americans for most of the next hundred years.   

You’d think things wouldn’t have been able to get any worse, but as always, you have ways of surprising us Georgia.  Let’s see, you were the place where the Ku Klux Klan was founded, you didn’t establish public education until the start of the 20th century, and you outlawed alcohol which led to the invention of Coca-Cola, that sugar syrup that helped make everyone in America, and in you especially, morbidly obese.  Great track record Georiga.  You ought to be super proud. 

You know, I might be more forgiving Georgia if you just admitted that you fucked up.  But  you can’t do that, can you Georgia.  No, instead of talking about all the bad shit, you just keep going on and on about how many stupid peaches grow in Georgia.  I mean shit, literally every other damn street within your borders is named after the damn things.  I guess if nothing else, at least somehow between all the good old boy politics and lynchings, somehow you found it in you to kind of start doing the bear minimum when it comes to not treating people like shit.  But you still got a ways to go.  But then again, fuck it.  I’ll say it again Georgia, rot in hell.   

New Jersey - The Garden State

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New Jersey, you are America’s gooch.  Just look at you, your fucking name is New Jersey.  You’re named after a tiny fricking island in the English Channel whose main claim to fame is the fact that a popular type of dairy cow is named after it.  Big fucking whoop.  You’ve been pretty much asshole adjacent for the entirety of your history.  I mean sure, the first Europeans to live in you, the Dutch and the Swedes, did technically buy all of the land they took from the natives, which sounds all fine and fucking dandy until you realize that the natives had zero concept of land ownership.  Great start.  Then the British showed up and took control in 1664, and somehow things just got worse from there. 

Now don’t get me wrong, you were kind of cool when you were younger.  At a time when pretty much every other colony in the area was all about being as intolerant as fucking possible, you guaranteed religious tolerance, but let’s not pretend you did it out of the good of your heart.  No, we know better New Jersey, we know that it was all just a ruse to trick people to move into you so that the rich assbags in England who owned you could make some sweet ass cash.  Nice try New Jersey.  Nice try. 

Of course things went pretty much wrong the moment more people started showing up.  I mean sure, you were all tolerant of other religions, but only as long as the practitioners were white and mostly British.  You know who was neither one of these things.  Oh, I don’t know, the Native Americans who had lived in you for generations.  Yeah, you just said fuck right off to them, didn’t you, sent them off to live on the other side of the Appalachians as best they could.  Despicable New Jersey, and things only somehow got shittier from there.  Oh yeah, did I mention the fact that you didn’t have a functioning government until literally two days before you signed the Declaration of Independence?  Way to have your shit together.  No wonder you were the last northern state to free your slaves, waiting until 1804 to get around to it.  And no wonder you’ve pretty much never had a government that wasn’t corrupt.        

To be fair, you did start out as a bit of an agrarian paradise, but it didn’t take you long to screw that up, did it?  What are you now?  I’ll tell you what, an industrial urban hellscape, that’s what.  I mean shit, the two most famous things involving New Jersey over the past century was the Hindenberg disaster in 1937 and the opening of the New Jersey Turnpike in the 1950’s.  Seriously, the aviation disaster the ended the zeppelin as a means of travel and a toll highway that minimized the amount of time people driving between New York and Philadelphia would have to spend in New Jersey.  Oh, what’s that?  You also legalized gambling in Atlantic City in 1976?  I guess I forgot that a big old influx of mafia money was a good thing. 

Some how you’ve only built on this success by becoming a strange microcosm for a bunch of roided out, tattoo covered dill-holes with bad spray tans.  Why is that New Jersey?  Is it all the industrial pollution? God, our only hope is that you and everything you represents just gets swallowed by the ocean someday.  I’ll say it again New Jersey, you are America’s gooch.