Rhode Island - The Ocean State

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Take a crap in a hat Rhode Island.  You call yourself the ocean state, which is kind of funny given that being next to the ocean is the only thing noteworthy about you.  You’re probably expecting all sorts of small jokes in this rant, but we’re not going to do that Rhode Island, because we don’t go after low hanging fruit.  No, that’s too easy.  You know what’s more noteworthy Rhode Island?  The fact that you’re named fucking Rhode Island even though you are most definitely not an island.  To be fair, you do have several islands, but not one of them is still called Rhode Island today because the name Rhode Island is so stupid that not even the people living on actual Rhode Island wanted it.  What’s rhode even mean?  What’s that, it means red.  Well that’s pretty stupid. 

 Hey, remember when we talked about how Massachusetts was pretty much just a shitty theocracy?  Well, some schmuck named Roger Williams thought so too.  Good old Roger was banished from Massachusetts around 1636 for having the opinion that maybe a bunch of self-righteous super religious asshats shouldn’t be in charge of everything.  Having nowhere else to go, Roger led a group of people who agreed with him south into land and founded both the first Baptist church in America as well as a new colony that was supposed to be totally down with religious tolerance and the separation of church and state.  Roger was a big proponent of trying to not be total dicks to the natives, which is why he paid money for the property he took, even though money and individual property ownership weren’t really things the natives understood, which is why they later burned his house down. 

 It’s probably a good thing your people weren’t tied down by religious morals Rhode Island.  It allowed them to make a butt ton of money distilling rum, which was then taken to Africa to buy slaves, who were then taken to the Caribbean to grow sugar, which was then taken to Rhode Island to make rum.  While every state around you was questioning whether or not slavery was a good thing, you just went in whole hog.  Hell, you’re maritime ships kept up the slave trade from Africa long after it became illegal, and you didn’t officially abolish slavery until 1843.  Great job Rhode Island. 

 Given how much of your early history involved slavery Rhode Island, it’s amazing how on top of shit you were when it came to your own freedom.  You were the first state to declare its independence from England, but was then the last one to agree to sign the constitution, only giving in when all of the other states threatened to beat your ass and tax the shit out any trade goods passing through you.  After that you kind of just disappeared from history, pretty much just being a weird cousin that people sometimes talk about but nobody ever goes to visit.  This probably has something to with the fact that for a good chunk of the nineteenth century every time somebody got sick you’d blame it on vampires, which is just plain weird. 

 I don’t even know what to make of you today Rhode Island.  Any more you’re mostly known for being full of a bunch of rich people’s so-called summer homes.  With all these rich people around you’d think you would be a bit fancier, but you’re not.  I mean crap, when you’re 350th birthday came along, you celebrated it by holding a free concert at the airport.  Real classy.  I’ll say it again, take a crap in a hat Rhode Island.        

North Carolina - The Tar Heel State

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Nobody fucking wants you North Carolina.  I mean for shit’s sake, what in the hell is a tar heel anyways?  Well, apparently back in the day a lot of the poor as shit folk in you made a living by distilling tar from pine tree sap.  The rich folk, being a bunch of bastards as rich folk usually are, took to calling them tar heels.  You know, because they were poor, and probably had tar stuck to the heels of their boots.  Rich people aren’t always the most creative.  Anyways, for whatever reason, being full of poor people apparently became some kind of point of pride with you.  Though to be fair, you don’t have a lot of other stuff going for you either.

Here’s how things pretty much went down North Carolina.  A bunch of English folks arrived and set up the first English colony in North America, a little place called Roanoke.  Then all those colonists just up and disappeared, which pretty much drained any interest people might have had in settling you.  Though people were all about settling everywhere else, you were pretty much left as an empty no man’s land mostly known for being a haven for pirates.  You didn’t even really have towns, just tiny bunches of small-time farmers who were mostly known for their incessant bitching.  Originally you were part of South Carolina, which was just known as Carolina at the time, but eventually they got tired of your shit and cut you loose.  After that you became home to mostly settlers who weren’t welcome anywhere else due to a variety of mostly exceedingly stupid reasons.  This was pretty great for those settlers, but pretty lousy for the local natives who of course got the shit end of the stick. 

When the Revolutionary War rolled around, you were all about it North Carolina, though it was mostly by talking a big game.  Very few people from you actually fought in the war.  After the war you celebrated your new found freedom by importing a bunch of slaves to start a bunch of cotton plantations.  However, you did keep your reluctance to actually do anything.  When the Civil War rolled around, you were the last state to secede and join the Confederacy. 

After the Civil War you apparently decided it was about time to prove to the world that you could get shit done, but of course you went about this in just about the worse ways possible.  You were the sight of some of the most horrendous cases of minority voter suppression in the country, killing literally hundreds of African-Americans just because they wanted to be treated like people.  For fucks sake, you became the home of the only armed coup d’état in U.S. history after a group of armed thugs ran off the duly elected leaders of the city of Wilmington.  Such tactics resulted in racist asshats maintaining control of you for over a century. 

Strangely enough, focusing only on new ways to be racist did little to help your overall economy North Carolina, which is probably why you stayed poor as shit for so long.  About the only things you’ve managed to accomplish of note are the invention of Pepsi and putt-putt golf.  Even with a recent tech boom you’re still what you’ve always been, a place where people live, but not because they really want to.  I’ll say it again.  Nobody fucking wants you North Carolina.    

New York - The Empire State

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Toss my salad New York.  You think you’re all that and a bag of potato chips, but outside of New York City no one gives a shit about you, and the best we can say about said city is that it’s gritty, which is the equivalent of someone telling you your blind date has a great personality.  You’re named after the Duke of York, who later became King Jimmy II of England because his brother liked to stick his dick into anything but his wife.  As for old Jimmy II, he was so crappy at being king that they threw his ass to the curb.  So you know, totally the kind of person who deserves to have shit named after them. 

You’re nickname is the Empire State, which probably comes from you’re long history of being a ridiculous bloated bastard with your head up your own ass.  You’re first settlers were the Dutch who were mostly interested in trading with the natives for furs.  Now this probably all sounds pretty legit, until one realizes that the Dutch were willing to hand over a crazy amount of goods for furs, including a ridiculous amount of guns.  As a result, the natives pretty much killed every single animal bigger than a squirrel in the whole region and then started warring amongst themselves for the next century.  Then the English took over, and having more of an eye for colonization, basically forced all of the natives to move to Ohio or Canada.  Awesome start New York. 

Hey New York, do you even want me to bring up the Revolutionary War?  You know, the whole part about how you were so chock full of British loyalists that you were the only state not to vote for independence, yet somehow a couple of jack offs were still allowed to sign the Declaration of Independence on your behalf?  No.  Well okay then.  How about how you used the end of the war as an excuse to cheat the natives out of every last bit of their land?  Or how the foundations of your largest city was built by slaves?  Or how the only reason you’re rich is because the man who designed the country’s financial system, Alexander Hamilton, was from you and made damn sure you reaped a good chunk of the benefits? 

I guess if we can’t talk about any of that, we might as well go into the fact of how for the first half of the early nineteenth century you were chock full of weird sex cults where women were expected to do all the work while the men sat around and wrote poetry.  I guess on the plus side at least most of these sex cults were pro-abolitionist, though not enough to bother getting around to freeing the last slave in you until 1827, which is probably why you got such a hard on for the Civil War, but of course you somehow had to make even this terrible.  I mean sure, you did send more troops to the Union Army than any other state, but the vast majority of them were poor immigrants.  While they died by the tens of thousands, your rich asshats got to sit comfortably at home, complementing each others farts and whatever the hell else it is rich people do.

That’s pretty much your whole deal even today New York.  One part of  you is nothing but a bunch of douchebags making money by passing pieces of paper back and forth between themselves, somehow ignoring the poor as shit people that walk by them every day, and the other part is a bunch of turds demanding subsidies for their water wheel run candle factories so that they can have more time to experiment with swinging and other such suburban pursuits.  I’ll say it again.  Toss my salad New York.