#27 William H. Taft (1909-1913) Rub A Dub Dub Fat Dude In A Tub

Let’s just get it out of the way right now, Big Lub, also known as Big Bill and Big Chief, was a portly fellow.  The guy weighed 330 pounds when he was president.  He was a fat man, a fat kid, and probably a fat baby too.  Born into an upper crust family, Big Lub spent his childhood going to fancy private schools and earning a reputation as a girthy intellectual.  With the combination of fat and smart, you better believe the other kids teased the shit out of him.  Big Lub though took it all in stride, and when he attended university, he joined the wrestling team, where his walrus-like stature allowed him to beat the crap out of all his opponents.  Besides wrestling, Big Lub also enjoyed tennis, golf, and horseback riding, much to the chagrin of the horses  For a fat man, Big Lub was known as one hell of a dancer.  It was probably his fancy dance steps, and maybe a bit of a fat fetish, which caught the eye of the woman who became his wife, Nellie Herron.     

Following law school, Big Lub was appointed to several federal judicial posts.  However, his wife, believing her husband was destined for big things (no pun intended), pushed him to accept a post as the Governor of the Philippines, which at the time was owned by the U.S. and going through a guerilla war which was the Vietnam of its day.  Big Lub dealt with the war by gaining more weight, an impressive feat considering he also contracted dengue fever.  Returning to the U.S., Big Lub became best buds with President Teedie, who decided that Big Lub would make a perfect president.  Big Lub didn’t want to be president, he wanted to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court (which is weird given by this point he had already turned down the position three times), but the strong personalities of Nellie and Teedie won the day.  Big Lub was elected president in 1908 thanks to the voters being scared of Teedie’s revolver and Nellie’s death stare.  Nellie was so overcome with happiness that she died of a stroke soon after. 

Big Lub spent most of his presidency eating pounds of almonds, farting, attending baseball games, and falling asleep during meetings (which was hard to hide given he was a terrible snorer).  The presidency was not a happy time for Big Lub.  Though a jolly fat man with an infectious chuckle, he really didn’t know how to relate to people and was quite lonely.  His depression led to him getting even fatter.  Things hit a low when he got stuck in the White House bathtub and six aides had to pry him out using pounds of butter for lubricant.  A new tub was shortly after installed, one big enough to fit four men.  Big Lub was also the first president to own an automobile, probably to save the poor horses the strain of carting his fat ass around.  By the end of his presidency, Big Lub was a wreck, openly crying on several occasions.  When the 1912 election rolled around, his former best friend Teedie, pissed that Big Lub was not doing exactly as he had been told, ran against Big Lub, splitting the vote.  Big Lub came in a distant third. 

Out of the White House, Big Lub’s life improved dramatically.  He dropped 75 pounds, started teaching, and spent most of his time writing letters railing against the supporters of prohibition.  Big Lub did his best to forget that he had ever been president.  Later in life he finally obtained his dream, becoming the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.  As he got older, Big Lub became very forgetful, even forgetting the presidential oath of office while administering it, and started hallucinating.  In the end, Big Lub died of cardiovascular disease, because while he had lost some weight, he was still an extremely fat man. 

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:William_Howard_Taft,_head-and-shoulders_portrait,_facing_front.jpg

#26 Theodore Roosevelt (1901-1909) Nothing But Teeth And Testicles

Teedie, who tried to give himself the nickname Colonel, was born into a wealthy family.  A sickly child, he was diagnosed with asthma, a condition which his old timey doctors treated with cigars and whiskey.  Fearing for his health, Teedie’s parents kept him locked away and isolated in the family mansion for most of his childhood.  Teedie spent most of his time reading books, being educated by private tutors, and shooting and then stuffing small animals like some kind of serial killer.  While attending university, Teedie was told he had a weak heart.  In response, he took up every sport possible, until he had no time for school and dropped out.  This caught the eye of a lovely woman named Alice Hathaway Lee, someone who must have shared his interests given they spent their honeymoon climbing the Matterhorn.   

Teedie’s life took a bad turn when both his mother and wife died on the same day.  To grieve, Teedie moved out west, became a cowboy, and got in fights with random strangers.  His bereavement done, he returned to the East Coast, entered public service, and got himself a new wife, Edith Kermit Carow.   While serving as the Assistant Secretary of the Navy, he got bored, lied on some memos, and started a war with Spain.  He then resigned, formed his own cavalry unit, joined the invasion of Cuba, and became a war hero.  This new war hero status led to him getting elected Vice President in 1900.  When President Wobbly got shot in 1901, Teedie became the youngest president ever.        

Teedie spent most of his presidency metaphorically, and angrily, waving his dick in people’s faces.  An avid outdoorsman, he spent most of his time taking strenuous hikes through local parks, blasting away at twigs with his revolver, and swimming naked in the Potomac River.  Teedie was also an avid boxer, often challenging people to friendly bouts at the White House, until a lucky punch blinded him in one eye.  He then took up jiu-jitsu.  In 1904, Teedie was re-elected.  His second term was full of just as much angry dick waving and nature humping.  Somehow, Teedie won the Nobel Peace Prize, convincing Japan and Russia to sign a peace treaty by using the negotiation tactic of taking the delegates into the woods and showing them his revolver.  Teedie celebrated his achievement by becoming the first president to fly in an airplane, probably waving his hat about and yelling the whole god damn time for the Wright Brothers to do a barrel roll.  Growing bored, Teedie declined to run for president again in 1908.  

After leaving the White House, Teedie went on an African safari where he pretty much shot every animal in existence, even some you’ve probably never heard of because they don’t exist anymore.  Returning home, he decided he wanted to be president again and ran as an independent in 1912.  This move proved unpopular and a crazy man shot him in the chest.  Teedie, ignoring the blood covering his shirt, gave a ninety minute speech before going to the hospital.  Teedie got over his loss by going to South America to find the source of a branch of the Amazon River, and probably shoot it.  The entire expedition caught malaria, including Teedie, but by god, they found the source of that river nobody cared about.  When World War I broke out, Teedie asked the government for permission to raise a personal army of 200,000 men to lead to France, a request that was denied for reasons of being insane.  This angered Teedie, who then decided to run for president again.  It was at this point that his weak heart, having enough of Teedie’s special brand of crazy bullshit, gave out. 

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Theodore_Roosevelt,_sem_data.tif

#25 William McKinley (1897-1901) The Industrialist’s Stooge

Wobbly Willy, so called because of his cautious and indecisive nature, was born to a wealthy upper crust family.  His father, Willy Senior, owned numerous foundries.  Wobbly Willy was originally a junior, but abandoned the moniker the day his father died in what amounted to an old timey fuck you dad.  Like many rich kids, Wobbly had the opportunity to attend the finest schools, an opportunity, which like many rich kids, he squandered.  After just a year at university, he returned home, claiming all the learning was making him sick and depressed.  School was no fun, Wobbly enjoyed spending his family’s money a lot more.  When the Civil War broke out, Wobbly joined the Army and got put under the command of the future President Granny.  Wobbly, a husky lad, spent most of the war working as a clerk.  

After the war, Wobbly returned home to discover that his family had gone broke.  Robbed of his chosen lifestyle as a lay about, Wobbly went back to university and became a lawyer.  He then married Ida Saxton, who though being best described as sickly and a little strange, did come from an extremely rich family.   This matrimonial union opened up a whole new world for Wobbly, who started rubbing shoulders with millionaires.  These millionaires decided that Wobbly would be the perfect puppet for their interests.  Backed by their money, Wobbly entered politics, always wearing a red carnation in his lapel for luck.  In 1896 he was elected president, boosted by the most expensive political campaign in history up to that time. 

The early years of Wobbly’s presidency were mostly spent teaching his parrot, named Washington Post, to whistle the tune to Yankee Doodle Dandy, and taking care of his sickly wife.  The couple had two children who both died young, and the strain had resulted in her developing epilepsy.  She’d often have seizures in public, and Wobbly, being a doting husband, would cover her face with a handkerchief and carry on as though nothing strange was happening.  By the time Wobbly became president, her mind had started to go too.  She refused to move into the White House until everything yellow was removed, including the flowers, and mostly spent her time crocheting thousands of slippers.  Wobbly’s later presidency was mostly spent beating up on weaker countries and stealing their toys, a.k.a. their overseas territories.  This proved quite popular, and he easily won re-election in 1900.    

Wobbly loved people, and spent a lot of time shaking as many hands as possible.  It was while at one of the palm pumping exhibitions that he became the first president to ride in an automobile.  Unfortunately, this automobile was an ambulance.  Seconds after giving his lucky red carnation to a little girl, a crazy anarchist shot him twice in the gut for reasons that can best be described as unhinged.  Doctors were unable to find one of the bullets because, as they put it, Wobbly was too fat.  Eight days later he died of a nasty infection.  Wobbly’s wife did not attend his funeral, but instead stayed home and made more slippers. 

Images: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:McKinley_(cropped).jpg