American History - Old World Beginnings

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In the beginning there was nobody living in the land we today call the United States of America. This should be pretty obvious given the continents of North and South America, which we collectively call the New World for reasons best described as to the victors go the spoils, split off from the rest of our world’s major land masses millions upon millions of years ago, leaving some pretty damn big oceans in between. Given that our ancestors, or at least the ones where if you saw them and said yeah I’d hit that nobody would give you a weird look, didn’t emerge in Africa until only around 300,000 years ago, the reason for this should be pretty obvious. These first humans didn’t even start leaving Africa until some 70,000 years ago, at which point they spread relatively quickly, at least compared to most animals, across Asia, Europe, and Australia over the next 30,000 years.

The world of early humans was not exactly an easy one to live in. The world was in the middle of an ice age which covered huge swaths of the northern and southern hemispheres with giant ice sheets and there were giant wooly versions of many of the animals we have today, not to mention all sorts of big ass predators too. There was also more land than there is today, what with sea levels being over 300 feet lower due to all the water being ice and whatnot. Anyways, All humans lived a hunter gatherer lifestyle, travelling in small bands place to place, staying until food became scarce and then moving on. It was this constant search for new food sources that led our ancestors to leave Africa, where the ice age was causing all sorts of sharp climatic shifts, with formerly wet and fertile areas turning dry and barren seemingly at random.

If you could travel back in time to those early days, once you got over the lack of technology you’d probably notice that these early humans were just like us. They wore clothes, made various tools out of stone and other such easily found materials, had languages, made art, sang, danced, kept domesticated dogs, sat around fires telling stories, and developed various religious and philosophical beliefs. They were smart enough that if you gave one an iPhone, they’d be able to figure out how to use it. If they remained healthy, they could live to a similar lifespan as us, but few ever got the chance given the high probability of if not starving to death at least nearly always suffering from malnutrition, not to mention the fact that their rudimentary knowledge of first aid and natural medicines was rarely up to the task of saving them when they got sick or injured.

One interesting factoid about these early humans, was they were not alone. Aside from the fact that various erect walking ape ancestors and distant cousins were still very much a thing, though quickly dying off, there were also various close cousin species which were at similar levels of development; having fire, tools, clothes, culture, and the such. These included the Neanderthals in Europe and the Denisovans in Asia, both of which left Africa much earlier than humans. When our ancestors discovered these cousins they pretty much fucked and murdered them into oblivion. That’s right, being an asshole has been a human trait since the very beginning. It was pretty much a situation where there was a limited amount of food to go around, and if you had to kill somebody it might as well be the people you find the least sexually attractive. Not great, but that’s just how it was.

Anyways, this constant search for food over time led to many bands of humans moving north, closer and closer to the giant fricking ice sheets where the giant wooly animals lived. Better hunting techniques made these animals a viable source of food, and a full belly was seen as being well worth dealing with uncomfortably cold weather. The ice age was caused by natural variations in the Earth’s tilt and orbit, and as these factors began to normalize somewhat, some of the ice sheets began to retract, drawing people further and further north. Eventually, around 20,000 years ago, the combination of these two factors brought people to Beringia, a surprisingly temperate chunk of land connecting Russia and Alaska which is today under the Bering Sea. These were the ancestors of the Native Americans.

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Joe Biden - Shut Up and Keep Quiet

Sleepy Joe was the son of a devout Catholic used car salesman and had a terrible stutter throughout his childhood, something he tried to cure by reciting poetry with pebbles in his mouth.  Not the brightest bulb in the box, he was a C- average student clear through college, always just squeaking by.  While still in college, he met a teacher named Neilia Hunter, who he somehow convinced to marry him despite the fact that she often had to slip him $20 bills under the table to pay for dinner during their dates.  Neilia’s parents weren’t really down with the wedding, not because Sleepy Joe was broke, but rather because he was Catholic, it was a different time.  After law school, Sleepy Joe worked as a public defender for a few years, but deciding working sucked, soon after ran for public office.  Though continually putting his foot in his mouth, he somehow got elected to the U.S. Senate at the age of 29, making him one of the youngest Senators in U.S. History.  Something his wife and daughter celebrated by getting killed by a truck hauling corncobs while buying a Christmas tree.

Apparently having an education fetish, Sleepy Joe married a second teacher named Jill Jacobs, and hunkered down in the Senate for the next four decades.  Spending his time giving rambling poorly worded speeches, jumping motorcycles, trying to be everybody’s friend, and inappropriately touching women, though less in a sexual way and more in a creepy stepdad wanting to make a connection kind of way.  This probably had nothing to do with the fact he shared a bunk bed with his uncle while a child.  In 1988, Sleepy Joe ran for president, but soon after had to drop out because he plagiarized his speeches and falsely claimed he had marched for civil rights.  Not taking the loss well, Sleepy Joe did not run for president again until 2008, again losing because he was about as exciting as creamed corn.  However, he did get to be President Barry’s VP, because he was a moderate white guy.  The two men did not really get along, with neither speaking to each other for months at a time.  In 2016, he was convinced not to run for president because he was seen as being too old, too boring, and too prone to vomiting out random words. 

After four years of President Donnie, voters decided that a goofy old man is just what America needed.  Winning election in 2020, he became the oldest ever president at the age of 78.  So starts the presidency of yet another jerk.  What will the future hold?  We’ll just have to wait and see.

Donald Trump - Giving America The Bird

Donnie was born to a wealthy upper class family who made sure he had the best of everything, including the best military school when it turned out he was a bit of a turd.  His father was a big proponent of the tried and true parenting method of treating your kids like shit, which is probably why Donnie developed some fairly pronounced narcissistic and sociopathic tendencies.  Utilizing his daddy’s money and connections, as well as every legal loophole and shady business dealing known to humankind, Donnie built up a real estate empire worth millions, at least until the convoluted financial shell game he was playing came crashing down.  Not only did he lose millions of dollars, but also his super model wife. 

Undeterred, Donnie married a new super model and started suing everyone he knew before they could sue him.  He also started slapping his name on everything imaginable, a strategy that somehow eventually made him the star of an extremely popular reality TV show.  Now a living brand, Donnie became obsessed with his appearance and public image, which for some reason involved an epic combover and orange spray tan.  As a result, he morphed into a parody of himself, a germaphobe desperate for attention, but refusing to be touched.  His new super model wife wasn’t a fan of this version of him, so he just married a new one, a Slovenian model named Melanija Knavs.  

In 2016, Donnie ran for president, probably as part of some kind of get rich scheme.  Despite a propensity for shady dealings and unwanted groping, his strategy of waving his dick around, bullying, and lying about everything amazingly worked.  Apparently enough Americans were so sick of politics that just burning it all down seemed like a viable solution.  Donnie made everyone uncomfortable, but for a lot of people it was the kind of uncomfortable you feel when as a teenager someone flips off your dad and calls him a mother fucker.  Everyone was surprised by the victory, especially Donnie, who suddenly had to give up a lucrative TV career for a salary amounting to peanuts.  Deciding that his win proved he was some kind of Machiavellian genius, Donnie began governing in a manner best described as the random whims of a cranky toddler mixed with the ravings of your conspiracy loving racist uncle.  It was a complete shitshow, fueled by burger binges, late night Tweets, and an extremely distorted vision of reality.  Donnie didn’t give two shits about anyone but himself, and if that meant destroying even the foundations of American democracy, then so be it.  The saddest part was that Donnie saw himself as the good guy, a poor misunderstood soul whom everyone was out to get.       

Donnie lost his bid for re-election in 2020, though of course being Donnie, he completely refused to accept it, declaring the entire thing to be a fraud and inciting a mob to attack the U.S. Capitol building.  This led to him getting kicked off of nearly all social media and becoming the first president to ever be impeached twice.  His desperation to win re-election probably had nothing to do with the fact that once back in the private sector he would have to deal with a growing pile of debts, lawsuits, and possible criminal charges.  Today, Donnie is hiding out in a compound in Florida, plotting away on how he can get his ass elected president again in 2024.