#1 George Washington (1789-1797) America’s Giant Made Up God

The original GW was a monstrously tall pox scarred man with hippopotamus teeth, an apparent hatred of cherry trees, and a larger than average member (why else do you think his monument looks like that).  This ‘monumental member’ allowed him to marry Martha Dandridge, whose vast family fortune allowed GW to spend most of his time hunting tail (foxtail that is), going to cockfights, holding lavish parties, and in general avoiding poor people whenever possible.  GW enjoyed a reputation as a war hero.  A reputation he earned in the French and Indian War by getting a third of his men slaughtered in a series of battles, one of which involved an accidental skirmish with his own allies, and by sucking up to the British generals who were his commanding officers.          

During the Revolutionary War, GW became a patriot because he basically hated paying his taxes.  When war broke out, GW was made commander in chief of the army simply because he was the only man who showed up to the meeting in a military uniform.  In this capacity he led the Continental Army through many glorious retreats.  GW didn’t let his lack of success get him down though; to help himself feel better he spent $7.6 million (in today’s money) on booze and parties.  However, GW didn’t forget about the common soldier either.  When the Continental Army settled in for winter camp at Valley Forge, he spent a large amount of cash to put on a nice theatrical play to help distract them from the fact they were starving and freezing to death.     

After the war, GW got himself elected the first president of the newly created United States by using reverse psychology and pretending he did not want to be president.  This was made easier by the fact that all the people who did want to be president were considered assholes.  GW really didn’t do much as president, but every little day to day thing he did became tradition since he was the first.  Life did get exciting when GW decided to use his new found power to tax whiskey, a move which angered the all important drunkard voting bloc.  When the aforementioned drunks started an armed rebellion against the U.S. government, GW personally led troops into battle against them to prove that at age 59 he was still a bad ass.   

After two terms as president, GW went back to farming hemp.  GW died because he went horseback riding in the freezing rain and was too stubborn to change into dry clothes when he got home.  This resulted in him getting a bad sore throat, which his old timey doctors tried to cure by removing half of his blood.  It was a different time.  Upon GW’s death, Martha burned all of their correspondence because apparently it was too sexy or something.  Over time people turned GW into some kind of godlike folk hero, who is sure to rise from the dead and kick some ass if America is ever in dire need. 

Image: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:George_Washington_by_Rembrandt_Peale_(detail),_1795_-_DSC03177.JPG