Mill Fill looked like a tuskless walrus shoved into a suit. Granted, he was an immaculately dressed tuskless walrus in a well cut dark suit, but a walrus nonetheless. Queen Victoria once claimed that Mill Fill was the handsomest man she had ever seen, which does not speak well for Queen Victoria, or the British people as a whole. Mill Fill was a sad sack who lived a life where nothing ever went right. It started from the beginning when he was born into abject poverty, living in a log cabin, and unable to go to school because he had to help out on the family farm. Considered bad luck by his family for some reason, his father gave him away, first to a cloth maker, and then to the owner of a textile mill. Both beat him, a lot.
Not enjoying life, Mill Fill decided to better himself. First, he taught himself how to read and write, and then he went to law school. There, he met and married Abigail Powers, who was not only two years his senior, but also his teacher. Some people just find learning sexy. Mill Fill soon after moved into politics, joining the Anti-Mason Party, which believed the Free Masons were plotting to take over the world. Yes, that was a real political party. Worried that people might think of him as an idiot, but not for the Anti-Mason thing, Mill Fill started carrying around a dictionary to prove how smart he was. Dictionary in hand, he would force himself into conversations so he could show off his new vocabulary words. In 1848, despite no one outside of upstate New York having any idea who he was, and the people who did know him not really liking him, Mill Fill was elected Vice President.
During his time as Vice President, Mill Fill wasn’t even allowed to talk to President Zack because Zack couldn’t stand to be around him. When Zack suddenly died, Mill Fill became president. He offered to give an inauguration speech, but everyone pretty much agreed that he totally didn’t need to do that. Mill Fill’s presidency was largely spent pissing off everyone he possibly could by finding compromises that never seemed to work out. When the election of 1852 came around, his party didn’t even nominate him, instead going with another elderly war hero, General Winfield Scott, because though that strategy had never worked, it was still considered a better option than Mill Fill. About the only success he did have as president was installing the first running water bathtub in the White House.
Soon after leaving the presidency, Mill Fill’s wife and daughter both died. Heartbroken, Mill Fill did the most logical thing and took an extravagant European vacation. The trip must not have gone well, because when he got back he joined the Know Nothing Party, which was super anti-immigrant. With his new racist friends, he ran for president again in 1856, but failed miserably. Nearly broke, Mill Fill married a half crazy wealthy widow named Caroline McIntosh, who wisely forced him to sign a prenup. Largely hated for the rest of his life, Mill Fill died of a sudden stroke while being fed some soup. His last words were, “the nutrition is palatable.”
Image: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Millard_Fillmore#/media/File:Millard_Fillmore_daguerreotype_by_Mathew_Brady_1849.jpg